Lucy Letby trial: Nurse sobs and says ‘my life is gone’ as she gives evidence for first time and denies murdering babies
NURSE Lucy Letby has sobbed in court and told how her "life is gone" since she was accused of murdering seven babies.
An emotional Lucy Letby, 33, wept as she told how she "only did her best to care" for the babies on the neonatal ward at the Countess of Chester Hospital.
An emotional Letby told jurors she never wanted to hurt any baby she looked after, saying it was "completely against everything that being a nurse is... I'm there to help and to care".
Letby entered the witness box on Tuesday to give evidence in her defence seven months on from the start of her trial at Manchester Crown Court.
She is accused of the murders of five boys and two girls, and attempted murder of another five boys and five girls, between June 2015 and June 2016.
The prosecution says Letby was a "constant malevolent presence" in their care at the neonatal unit.
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It is said she used various means to target the infants, including injections of air into their systems and insulin poisoning.
Letby, from Hereford, denies all the offences against her.
The court was previously shown images of her bedroom and excerpts from a 2016 diary where Letby had made notes for some of the children she is alleged to have attacked.
Jurors also saw a number of notes written on green post-its.
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Asked why one note read "I am evil, I did this" she said: "I felt at the time that if I'd done something wrong I must be such an evil, awful person.
"I'd somehow been incompetent and had done something wrong which had affected those babies.
"I felt I must be responsible in some way. I think looking back on it now, I was really struggling, and this was a way of me expressing what I wasn't able to say to anyone else."
Letby said she was first informed she had been blamed for the deaths of babies in a letter from the Royal College of Nursing in September 2016.
Ben Myers KC, defending, asked how this made her feel.
Letby replied: "It was sickening. I just could not believe it. It was devastating. I don't think you could be accused of anything worse than that."
Letby told the court about the three times she was arrested by police on suspicion of murder and attempted murder of babies.
She said her second arrest was "the scariest thing I've ever been through" and left her "traumatised".
She claimed she has since been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and is sensitive to loud noises.
Letby said she was "devastated" when she was removed from clinical duties.
She added: "Because I have always prided myself on being very competent and, potentially, I was not competent, it really affected me and I was taken away from the job I loved.
"It was life-changing, in that moment I was taken away from the support system I had on the unit, I was put in a role I did not enjoy and I had to pretend it was voluntary. It made me question everything about myself."
Letby said she then felt very isolated and her mental health deteriorated.
She said she was prescribed anti-depressants by her GP, which she is still taking.
Ben Myers KC, defending, asked the defendant: "How bad did the negative feelings get?"
Letby replied: "There were times when I did not want to live. I thought of killing myself.";
Asked when it was she first wanted to be a nurse, she replied: "I have always wanted to work with children."
She told the court she chose A-levels to take "which would best support that career".
Letby said she qualified as a Band 5 nurse in September 2011.
Her barrister, Ben Myers KC, said: "Over the period of 2015 and 2016 we are looking at the and the babies on this indictment, could you put a figure on the number of babies you cared for in that period?"
Letby said: "It would be hundreds."
Mr Myers said: "Did you care for them?"
Letby said: "Yes."
Asked if she ever wanted to hurt any of them, she said: "No, that's completely against what a nurse is."
Letby, wearing black trousers and a black top, was flanked by two female prison officers.
Several rows behind, her parents, John, 76, and Susan, 62, looked on - as did family members of the alleged victims on the other side of the public gallery.
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It comes after jurors were told Letby found working with healthy babies "boring".
The trial continues.
