Like Alan Carr, my husband ran off with something I loved out of spite – I’m glad I divorced him
IF marriage is the greatest celebration of love, then divorce is surely the mother of all hangovers.
I should know. As a serial offender, I’ve learnt over the past decades that it doesn’t get any easier.
For many couples, once the finances have been sorted, it’s a straightforward break without a backward glance at what could have been.
But when a relationship has produced children, you’re forced to go on having dealings with the one person you least want in your life — your ex.
However, Alan Carr reminded me that divorce, and the sticky, horrible residue it often leaves behind, is not purely confined to those of us with children.
It encompasses many aspects of life — including your friends.
He joked that after his split from his husband of three years, Paul Drayton, HE had got “custody” of their friend Adele.
The singer married the couple at her home in LA in 2018 and is presumably close to both ex-husbands.
But Paul took exception to the Funny Man’s throwaway remark, claiming Adele was closer to HIM than Alan.
While Alan quipped that they had “divvied up their celebrity friends” enabling Paul time with Gok Wan at weekends, what happens with our mutual friends after a relationship breakdown is a very real issue.
Alan and Paul may have agreed a compromise when it came to their beloved dog but, in all seriousness, what do we do with our friends?
It might be easy to divide household items that hold a greater emotional attachment to one or the other: “You can’t have my late Nana’s vase but keep the tacky Toby jug your mother gave us — I’ve always hated it”.
Even household items can cause friction. One ex-husband insisted on taking half a tea set from our marriage.
Not because he liked it but because he thought he had a right to it.
So here I am, to this day, with an uneven number of teacups I rarely use – a stark reminder that divorce had been the right decision.
He also took a friend of mine.
Granted, I had no bona fide ownership of her but — and at the risk of sounding childish — she had been my friend before I knew him.
When we divorced, and with my ex having a distinct drought of friends, he decided to acquire her and her husband when a new woman came into his life.
I can’t pretend I wasn’t a tad narked by it. But then, they were the couples and I remained single for some time after and would have been the third wheel if I socialised with my former friend and her hubby.
I didn’t entirely blame my ex. Needs must when you’ve got to build a new social life, I guess.
But I did question my friend. It all felt a bit disloyal. I had hoped to have been her priority.
But you can’t make people remain your friend and, most importantly, it is grossly unfair to make them choose.
On the flipside, you have to take into account how the friend might feel.
Having liked both spouses they have no wish to cut ties with either. It must be tough.
Even more impossible to remain impartial when the exes are relentlessly chewing the friend’s ears off about how they were done wrong.
It can be a minefield. And I don’t have the solution.
All I can say is that your ex may take the Wedgwood plates and the Ikea table but, in the words of Whitney Houston, they can’t take awa your dignity.
RETAIL veteran John Allan left his position as chairman of Tesco amid accusations of sexual misconduct — claims he strenuously denies.
He now says “men are increasingly nervous about working with women”.
So, after decades of women being shut out of the workplace, trying to punch through a glass ceiling and continuing their fight for equality at work, men are seemingly finding yet another reason why women are “problematic”.
Mr Allan is 74. Many in that generation bleat that in the “good old days” a light touch of the bum or a cheeky, suggestive comment was acceptable.
And it was like that. It’s just that we didn’t speak up about it for fear of losing our jobs.
Women don’t want to be objectified or sexualised. And we certainly don’t need to be told our outfit suits our figure just because men think we need cheering up.
Give it up for Craig
CRAIG DAVID has decided he’s going to be celibate. For a while at least.
The singer-songwriter says he’s a “changed man” and despite his reputation as a ladies’ man, he confesses to not having had a bit of slap and tickle for about a year now.
Hardly a drought, Craig, but still . . .
He claims that having one-night stands can lead to many different “traumas”. Sounds a tad dramatic but I get it.
Instead of “trauma”, I would have used the word “emptiness”.
The pop star is hoping that time away from romping might help him to get mentally prepared to meet his next girlfriend.
And there I was thinking men thought about sex 24/7.
He had a number of short-term relationships in his 20s and 30s but says he found it hard to engage in anything more profound, as he had his heart broken aged 16.
That’s nearly three decades ago. Besides, at 16, I doubt his emotional maturity was at its peak.
What is it with men who have one heartbreak and can’t seem to move beyond it?
Us girls have our hearts broken plenty of times, but we dust ourselves down and get back up.
Does make me wonder if this former lothario shouldn’t re-release his infamous 7 Days track now that his life has taken a different turn.
The new lyrics could go something like this:
“Met a girl on Monday.
“Took her for a drink on Tuesday.
“We were playing Scrabble by Wednesday.
“And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday.
“We gardened on Sunday.”
It’s a Ney from me for Bruna’s cheating rules
SUPERSTAR Brazilian footballer Neymar has issued a somewhat bizarre apology on his Instagram page to his pregnant girlfriend, Bruna Biancardi.
As English is not his first language it’s a little tricky to read between the lines but, suffice to say, Neymar is grovelling because he’s “done wrong”, indicating she’s “suffered with all this”.
The couple announced her pregnancy in April but it has also emerged that they have agreed a list of conditions that allow Neymar to be unfaithful.
He has to be “discreet”, “wear a condom” and “not kiss on the lips”.
If it’s OK by Biancardi, I guess it’s OK by me.
Each to their own. But I’m still astounded by the lengths some women will go to to keep their man.
WHAT is happening to this great nation? And what is going on when we go abroad?
I thought the joke was always on the Germans’ undignified pursuit of securing sun loungers by the pool on holiday.
We laughed, collectively, at their desperation.
But could it be that we have now become them?
Tales of “entitled” Brits getting up as early as 6.30am to land their towels on sunbeds in prime positions when on holiday sent a shiver down my spine. It’s embarrassing.
It turns out some holidaymakers are rushing to mark their territory at the crack of dawn and, worse still, not even using the beds.
Now hotels and holiday companies have had to resort to putting up signs and employing security patrols by the pool area to stop people engaging in what can only be described as an unseemly, petty, competitive sport.
For God’s sake, take a chill pill, Nigel.
This is not going to end well. I feel a Costa del Sol revolution coming on.
IT’S been an emotional week for all sorts of reasons, and for someone who professes not to be a crier, the waterworks were set off on a number of occasions.
One of the things that really had me in tears was Graeme Souness.
Now there’s a sentence I didn’t think I would utter on a Saturday morning.
The Scottish football legend has just completed a charity relay swim of the English Channel to raise money for a skin condition called epidermolysis bullosa, which causes painful blistering.
Forty per cent of sufferers don’t survive their first year and many don’t make it to the age of five.
It wasn’t the fact that the former footballer, a triple bypass survivor, succeeded in his Herculean task in the dark, icy waters of the Channel, but the way he spoke about being inspired by 14-year-old, who has the condition.
He said she is the most unique person he has ever met.
This normally surly, dour man spoke so touchingly about the love and empathy he has for her that it wasn’t long before he broke down in tears and was rendered speechless by pure, raw emotion.
Perhaps we’re not used to seeing grown men cry or expressing such genuine, heartfelt feelings.
But what came across so searingly, so blatantly, from Graeme was how much he truly cared for this young girl.
She has clearly touched his heart deeply.
And you’ve touched ours, Graeme.