Pro performers & other countries’ champs ruin BGT… lifeblood is comics with no timing & knife-throwing pensioners

VERY occasionally, the right act turns up on the right show at almost exactly the right time.

Saturday’s Britain’s Got Talent, for instance, which was going nowhere until the appearance of a knife-throwing duo, with a combined age of 132, called Janette and Angelo, who looked like he couldn’t operate beyond a distance of about three feet without presenting a clear and present danger to his partner and Ant & Dec as well.

He was giving it everything, though, and Alesha Dixon was so filled with excitement or condescension that she said out loud: “I want to be like that when I’m 69.”

An ambition and a half, but why wait all those years, I say?

Strap Alesha into Angelo’s wheel of death this instant, throw in Bruno Tonioli for company and then replace them with someone funny who’d do something more than greet every single act with open-mouthed astonishment and press their golden buzzer at the first hint of a sob story.

It’d be a decent start to the makeover ITV urgently needs to perform here, but wouldn’t begin to address the central issue with a show that’s been deceiving the public, on an industrial scale, ever since ITN’s Charlene White kicked things off by claiming: “This series of Britain’s Got Talent has taken the nation by storm.”

There’s a small element of truth in her words, of course.

Yet I still can’t quite work out if the nation in question is South Korea or Japan.

Both have arrived mob handed and full of energy as they clog up the running order with acts like Ssaulabi, Sarukani, CyberAgent Legit and some tuneless wonders called Blitzers who, like so many BGT stars, are already an established act in their own country and the vanguard of Simon Cowell’s plans to conquer the world with his new Netflix talent show, I’m assuming.

Japan just seems to have the edge, however, because as well as the slick professionals, they’ve also got bungling amateurs like Keiichiro Tani, who demonstrated just how far that country has fallen since Pearl Harbor by trying and failing to hang a shirt up by drone, multiple times.

It’s an intrusion I resent, frankly.

For if there’s one thing Britain can still produce, in vast quantities, it’s bungling amateurs, like comedian/plumber Darren Watson, a man with not a hint of comedy talent or timing about him.

Yet, by simply reading out Christmas cracker jokes at Irish horse race commentator pace, he was funnier than anything I’ve seen on Live At The Apollo in years.

He’s the lifeblood of the show, in fact, and should be prioritised way above Simon Cowell’s empire-building plans.

If, in future years, though, someone like Darren thinks “Sod that for upgrading a shower head”, then you could hardly blame him, given the vast number of ringers and re-treads that are now being processed through BGT.

Week one the show was stolen by Sydnie Christmas, a sweet, innocent-looking girl who turned out to be a seasoned West End performer in Starlight Express and Grease.

And week two it was the same story, with an English National Opera singer, ironically named Innocent Masuku, and animal impersonator Genevieve Cote, who’d already passed through the French, American and Canadian versions of Talent.

New territory was breached, on Saturday, however, with the arrival of an outrageously talented and charismatic juggling pair called The Messoudi Brothers, who were asked, by Cowell: “Is this really unique? Never seen before?” which took some brass neck when it was Simon himself who put them through to the semi- finals of America’s Got Talent, in 2019, before they progressed via the German, Italian and French franchises as well.

The one standard question that was on nobody’s lips, though, was: “What would it mean to perform for the Royal Family?”

Why?

Well, it’s almost certainly because The Messoudi Brothers have already done that at the 2021 Royal Variety Show, alongside James Blunt and the cast of Matilda.

A significant biographical detail to omit and one that should have everyone who isn’t on Simon Cowell’s payroll wondering exactly the same thing.

If hardly any of the contestants are from the host country and the best act has already won first prize, what the hell is the point of Britain’s Got Talent?

Unexpected morons in the bagging area

THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In music festivals, which former member of The Beatles was a headline act at Glastonbury in 2022?” Liv Cooke: “Queen.”

Romesh: “In football, the former Chelsea and England midfielder was appointed manager of Everton in 2022 is Frank who?”

Tia Kofi: “Skinner.”

The Finish Line, Roman Kemp: “What loyalty card is named after the drink of the Gods?”

Aaron: “Asda.”

And Roman Kemp: “How is the actor Philip Andre Rourke Jr better known?”

Claudia: “Peter Andre.”

Random irritations

BBC1 cancelling The Finish Line so political trainspotters could stare at 10 Downing’s Street door.

The tearful, woke and deeply annoying new Doctor Who. Bruno Tonioli’s fake BGT laugh.

The world’s neediest woman, Carol Vorderman, chasing applause in the same way a spaniel chases pigeons in Trafalgar Square.

And Joe Lycett overestimating his own worth by 20 quid, when he told his audience: “We’re selling off bits of our set on eBay and got £19.69 for the giant c**k.”

REBUS HAS GOT HEART(S)

SPOKE too soon.

Maverick cops who don’t play by the rules . . . but get results are back in the shape of Richard Rankin’s superb version of BBC One’s Rebus.

Not a man who could ever be accused of being in love with life.

Rebus has a self-destructive relationship with drink, women, gangsters and his barely-tolerated work colleagues, but an unambiguous loathing of rich socialists, students, cyclists and anyone else who treats Edinburgh: “Like it’s Denmark, or something.”

He’s got a bad side as well, though.

He supports Hearts.

Yeah, Rebus is THAT dark and I know some of you will be put off by the resulting violence and the fact there are almost as many abductions, in this six-parter, as there are staggering coincidences.

But, in a television world overrun by diversity and inclusion lectures masquerading as dramas (see Granite Harbour), Rebus is a class apart and should be embraced like a long-lost friend (Saturday, BBC One, 9.25pm).

Great TV lies and delusions

Saturday Kitchen Live, Donal Skehan: “I feel like I’m in the presence of greatness, it’s Eddie Izzard.”

The Fortune Hotel, Stephen Mangan: “This is a fascinating evening.”

And BGT, Bruno Tonioli on boyband Blitzers: “That was as good as anything I’ve seen around the world in the last 50 years.” Then get out more, all of you.

Great sporting insights

CHANNEL 5, Tuesday, 9pm, Robson Green: “I’m losing myself in the Amazon.”

Warehouse or deliveries? I’ll alert security.

Lookalike of the Week

THIS week’s winner is real-life Baby Reindeer dingbat Fiona Harvey and Constance Nebbercracker, from Monster House.

Sent in by Michele M.

DOCTOR Who: Ratings update/prediction: First Space Babies episode of the new Ncuti Gatwa series was a thinly disguised plea on behalf of asylum-seekers and got 4.01million viewers.

The second, featuring the Beeb’s compulsory bloke-in-a-dress element, took it down to 3.91million.

While the third, which was a searing indictment of capitalism and Christianity, got just 2.01million.

The BBC will now go away, reflect on an agenda that is tiresome, preachy, cultish, repetitive, monstrously self-indulgent and wholly inappropriate, for a children’s show, then blame it all on the viewers for being racist and homophobic before force feeding them more of the same (repeat to fade).

COMPARE and contrast: Have I Got News For You, week seven, Ian Hislop earnestly to Jess Phillips, on the subject of Angela Rayner: “It’s about the principle, Jess. It’s not about the property, it’s about honesty. Telling the truth matters.”

HIGNFY, week one, Ian Hislop, very dismissively to the audience: “Angela Rayner may have fiddled up to £1,500 on her council tax . . .  says a book by Lord Ashcroft, who avoided £112million when he was a non-dom! That means she’s guilty!”

Yes, Ian, but it’s not about the property, it’s about honesty. Telling the truth matters.

CHANNEL 5, Tuesday, 9pm, Robson Green, right: “I’m losing myself in the Amazon.”

Warehouse or deliveries? I’ll alert security.

TV Gold

THE award-worthy pay-off to Wednesday night’s brilliant Mulberry Close episode of Inside No9.

Iain Rankin’s love letter to Edinburgh, Rebus.

BBC Two repeating Elvis Presley’s ’68 Comeback Special, right, which is still, arguably, the greatest event in rock ’n’ roll history.

And Lee Mack responding to The 1% Club contestant, Heather, who said she was embarrassed to be the only contestant who’d gone out on this week’s dolly drop 90 per cent question: “You don’t have to be embarrassed.

"You should be ashamed.”

TELLY quiz: What was C5's Sue Perkins talking about, in Phuket, when she said: "It should go back to being one massive gibbon love tunnel?"

A) The Thai rain forest

B) Her dating profile