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JEREMY CLARKSON
I feel Katy Perry’s pain after she ‘damaged’ sand, ecoists think anyone having fun is killing the planet
If Simon LeBon had subscribed to their way of thinking, the lyrics to Rio would have been very different
A SINGER called Katy Perry is being investigated by Spanish authorities after she was seen dancing in some sand dunes on a tiny Balearic Island called S’Espalmador.
It’s claimed that the site is environmentally important and that she will have caused untold damage to the sand by dancing on it.
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Really? I only ask because Ms Perry is not what you’d call fat and it’s not like she was weighed down by any clothes while she was doing this dance.
I bet she’s rolling her eyes at the news that she’s upset some mad-haired Spanish eco liberal, and I feel her pain.
I got blasted for driving a car to the North Pole because earth enthusiasts said I’d damaged the pristine ice.
Which would all have melted in the summer anyway.
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And then it happened again when I drove a beach buggy over the giant dunes in southern Namibia.
“You’ve ruined them,” cried the Packham army, forgetting, perhaps, that just one tiny gust of wind would cover my tracks completely.
This is the trouble with modern day ecoists.
They think that anyone having fun must, in some way, be hastening the planet’s demise.
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If Simon LeBon had subscribed to their way of thinking, the lyrics to Rio would have been very different.
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand/And then she went to court and straight away got banned.
Katy Perry's preacher parents are among Donald Trump's biggest fans & have donated 79 times to GOP from $2.8m LA mansion
And when she shines, she really shows you all she can/Oh Rio, Rio, don’t dance across the Rio Grande.
There’s a similar problem on Weston-super-Mare beach in Somerset.
For the past 138 years, children have been able to ride up and down the sand on donkeys.
But now, a petition to stop the practice has attracted 400 signatures.
Becca Hullah, who started the ball rolling, says that using these donkeys for our leisure does not align with progressive attitudes toward the humane treatment of animals.
Bunkum.
I’m passionate, too, about animal cruelty — which might seem odd given that I killed about 150 of them last year.
But that’s the point. I look after all my animals to the best of my ability, but I recognise that Sunday lunch is fun.
In the same way that it’s fun for children to ride on a donkey.
And here’s the thing. The donkeys don’t mind. They are looked after beautifully.
No one over eight stone is allowed on their backs. They’re not made to dance or jump over stuff. They just lead very happy lives, and they bring untold pleasure to thousands of families.
This is what we must understand as we are pushed by the eco-menace into a world where we only eat seeds and we don’t use fly spray and we don’t drive quickly and we don’t go abroad for our holidays and we don’t dance in the sand and we have to pay £5,000 a day for our electricity.
Yes. We have one planet. In the same way that most of us have one car.
But there’s no point having it if you’re not going to use it from time to time.
We’ve Scot plenty to give nature
A PANEL of boffins has spent the past few years mapping a staggering 117million hectares of land to see how much of it can realistically be rewilded and handed back to nature.
Interestingly, there are only 158 acres in England which is suitable.
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Scotland though? Nearly all of it.
Fare to KO rail drivers
WE all know that the railways in Britain don’t work and this week we started to find out why.
There are 75 different types of train in use, which means servicing them is a nightmare.
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And there are some pretty nuts regulations too, one of which says that engineers at London’s Kings Cross cannot be used to do repair work at Euston, even though it’s only half a mile away.
And then you have the drivers.
In a recent survey to find the richest man in the world, Elon Musk came in at No3. Vladamir Putin is at No2, and at No1 it’s Eric Pritchard, a train driver from Crewe.
He doesn’t even have to do much work. Thirty five hours a week, no weekend shifts if he doesn’t fancy it and overtime rates for learning how to use an iPad.
There is, however, a solution to all of this.
We know that the driverless car is now pretty much a reality.
So why not a fleet of driverless trains. It’s not like they even need steering wheels.
Ang biz plan is a state
LET’S just say you are an American businessman who’s thinking about setting up a factory in Europe.
As this would boost our economy and create many jobs, you’d imagine the Government would bend over backwards to ensure they set up shop in the UK. Hmm.
We learned this week that the Deputy Prime Minister, Angela Rayner, is considering a plan which would make an employee un-fireable even if they turn out to be completely gormless.
And to let staff go home whenever they felt like it.
I’m fairly sure our American businessmen would look at these proposals and say: “Right. Germany it is then.”
Buying is in my big beef
LAST year, when I decided to buy a pub, I said to myself that to help British farmers, it would only sell stuff that had been grown or reared in the UK.
There’d be no coffee and no Coca-Cola, even.
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With the meat, vegetables and fruit, this wasn’t too difficult.
But then I started to struggle.
I found tea that had been grown in Cornwall and even sourced British black peppercorns, British salt and British sugar.
And before you ask, yes, all the wines are British too.
But what if someone wants a gin and tonic?
Tricky, because there’s quinine in tonic and you can’t grow that here.
There’s a similar problem with gin and orange and gin and bitter lemon.
Which left me with gin and water, which I don’t think will be a big seller, even if I add a slice of turnip.
And you try making a dessert trolley with no chocolate.
The biggest annoyance was discovering that if I take one of my own pigs, slaughter it and butcher it, each one of the resultant sausages will cost me 74p.
Whereas if I buy imported pig meat, the cost drops to 18p.That’s scandalous.
Despite the issues, we are opening it next weekend.
There’s a butcher’s, a Diddly Squat farm shop, a pub and a restaurant and no, none of them will be able to sell you an avocado.
You want a big hunk of British beef though? Yeah. We can do that.
And the beer’s not bad, either.
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UKRAINE’S invasion of Russia was knocked off the front pages this week by the news that Molly Mae Hague and Tommy Fury have separated.
This interested me greatly, but mainly because I haven’t heard of either of them.
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