Dara O Briain plus Brian Cox equals brains on the BBC’s Stargazing Live… but little sense
THE normally irrepressible Dara O Briain was a picture of misery in the Oz Outback, on Thursday.
With a gale blowing, he had a woolly hat on and ironic grudge to share. “Come to Australia. Go surfing, go to a barbecue,” he bleated. “We’ve been mis-sold this trip hideously.”
At which point I exploded.
You’ve been mis-sold this trip? How’d you think we feel?
Robbed, that’s how I feel watching Stargazing Live, on BBC2, an all-brains-and-no-common sense project which has been attempting to do the impossible, in the middle of the British winter, for six series.
Eventually, even the Beeb cottoned on to the weather issue.
Rather than ditch its insane obsession with live formats, though, it moved the entire project, plus Dara, Professor Brian Cox and Liz Bonnin, to south east Australia, where they took the exorbitant p**s, for three nights last week, attempting to look at stuff none of us can see.
Not content with this wonderful jolly, however, they also had a plan to get us to do the legwork.
“’We want your help to find the ninth planet in the solar system,” Dara said, making it sound no harder than finding your car keys with a hangover, before introducing us to project co-ordinator Professor Chris Lintott.
Personally, I had my doubts about their “citizen science” lark. The one thing that definitely wouldn’t be a problem, though, was the weather.
“The conditions here are perfect,” beamed Dara, on Tuesday. “Australia’s moving into autumn, which means they’ve had their summer rains and they’re clearing dust out of the air.”
Absolutely everyone, bar BBC executives on about £300,000 a year, could’ve guessed what would happen next.
“You might have noticed we’re inside the iconic Anglo-Australian telescope,” said a more sheepish Dara, at the start of Wednesday’s show. “And that’s because the weather outside is bad.”
Indeed it was. In fact a cyclone (Debbie) had obliterated the place, as they tend to do in November-to-April’s cyclone season, and forced everyone indoors to watch more VTs. A very hit-and-miss process, this one, because, I’ll level with you here, I like the pictures but have barely understood a word Brian Cox has said since: “Things can only get better.”
What I love about both him and Dara, though, is that neither of them indulge any pseudo-scientific, pie-in-the-sky, Russell Grant bollocks.
Well, normally they don’t.
Here it was different, though, as the pie-in-the-sky stuff was being uttered by members of Australia’s indigenous community, who were listened to with a deeply respectful awe as they told us they believe the sun is in love with Bahloo (the moon) and a great serpent sculpted the earth’s valleys and mountains.
They also believe in the spirit of Emu, an outline of which bird you can see in the southern hemisphere sky, possibly next to the outline of a frightened chat show host.
All fine by me. They are wise and endlessly exploited people who have earned the right to believe whatever they wish.
No matter how right-on the backstory, though, it has no more place on a science show than creationism, which wouldn’t be given the time of day by
Auntie. Especially not when they’ve got the small matter of discovering Planet Nine on their hands.
And how was that going, we all wondered, as the final show drew to a close.
“We haven’t found Planet Nine, but we did find lots of other interesting things, including . . . ”
Another time. Maybe.
GREAT TV Lies and delusions of the month (March).
- The Nightly Show, Chris Moyles: “I think Gordon’s doing a great job, ignore the silly papers.”
- Comic Relief, Luisa Omielan: “Is it any wonder I went into comedy?” Yes.
- And Sally Phillips, on The Nightly Show: “I’ve been to three different clown schools.”
Make that four.
GREAT Sporting Insights. Alan McInally: “With Liverpool 3-1 up, it means they’re leading.”
- Jamie Carragher: “Jose is standing sitting on the touchline.”
- Thierry Henry: “It’ll be all over if Chelsea come out of the next two games with five points.”
- Paul Merson: “Spurs have to finish above Arsenal and break their monotony over them.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray).
STARGAZING Live Australia fact of the week. Liz Bonnin: “Australia has moved 1.96 metres north since 1994.”
Which is why they’re now eligible for Eurovision. Presumably.
most read in TV & Showbiz
D-Dog's off his trolly
HALF the country seemed to win a holiday to Florida on Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway last weekend, while the other half were involved in some sort of clumsy product placement.
You forgive the presenters this indulgence, though, because of the charm with which they do it all and a weepingly funny I’m A Celebrity Get Out Of
Me Ear stunt in a supermarket involving Dermot O’Leary, who is henceforth: “The D-Dog, D Dizzle, D Daddy D, The Dermatologist, The Derminator.”
‘High visibility’,” at a bunch of startled workmen.
I think it may also have involved Dermot stealing a customer’s Chinese chicken thighs and playing bowls with some pineapples but, to be honest, I was laughing too much to take legible notes most of the time.
It’s clear the genius of the stunt, though, wasn’t just in the planning and Ant & Dec’s ability to ad-lib, but also in the genuine professional edge all three brought to proceedings.
And if you doubt what I’m saying, ask yourself if Ant & Dec would ever put themselves in the reverse position, or watch the repeat and savour every second of the laughter, Dermot’s obvious discomfort and Ant’s undisguised glee (Saturday, ITV2, 11:15am). It’s priceless.
QUIZ show imbeciles of the week. Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Along with June, which month has only four letters?”
Blair: “April.”
Ben Shephard: “Uruguay is a country in the south east of which continent?”
Dan: “Europe.”
STARGAZING Live Australia, update of the week. Dara O Briain: “I don’t suppose there’s much chance of a lovely view in the night sky of anything at the moment. Let’s see if Greg Quicke and Liz Bonnin can see anything outside.”
Liz: “No we can’t.”
Gordon bleepin' terrible
But I’d imagine his first appearance for Glasgow Rangers was a bit worse.
Even so, five nights of lame practical jokes, murdered punchlines, old-hat swearing and constant digs at “Jamie Oliver, the fat f**k”, which I thought was one of Heston Blumenthal’s restaurants, has probably killed off The Nightly Show’s franchise for good now.
So I can’t pretend there wasn’t a happy conclusion to his run or that it didn’t feature two moments of genuine brilliance.
Singer John Legend putting some of Gordon Ramsay’s finest insults to music and the welcome intrusion of a technical error on day one. “We’re sorry for the disruption. We’re working on the issue and will return to normal programming just as soon as this piece of crap’s run it’s course.”
Or words to that effect.
RANDOM irritations: Needy, attention-seeking blokes spreading the public marriage-proposal pox to Dr Christian’s medical consultations.
- The tortuously dull Voice final concluding with only one song I actually recognised. The once funny Daily Mash giving up comedy to become yet another bunch of self-righteous, left-wing tosspots.
- Lenny Henry spending a night in the Broadchurch cells without asking for 16 other Comic Reliefs to be taken into consideration.
- And Channel 4’s Mutiny crew completing their journey only with the aid of emergency water supplies and a medic, who transported Freddy’s urine sample back to the support vessel. Which really is taking the p**s.
THE Nightly Show, Gordon Ramsay to Gizzi Erskine on body art: “If you could pierce Chris Moyles in one place, where would it be?” The aortic valve.
A TIMELINE of rank hypocrisy.
- Loose Women, July, 2009, Jackie Brambles: “First on Loose Women today, we’re asking ‘Is David Cameron sexy’?”
Coleen Nolan: “Tony Blair passed me in a corridor once and he had an air about him that was phwoooarr. I wouldn’t fancy Gordon Brown but he was lovely to me.”
- Loose Women, June, 2015, Nadia Sawalha: “I have a secret crush on Boris Johnson.”
- Hilary Devey: “I’ve got a crush on Boris as well. When I see him I want to take him home, blow dry his hair, stroke him and have a kiss and a cuddle.”
- Loose Women, August, 2016: “Tony Blair has just been papped sporting a gold chain. Would you like a man in jewellery?”
- And Loose Women, 28th March, 2017: “Why are female politicians still judged on their appearance?”
Why? For the same reason male politicians are, I guess.
So if you can’t take it, don’t keep dishing it out.
TV GOLD: Thandie Newton and the brilliant Line Of Duty cast heading for all sorts of well-deserved awards.
- Dermot’s I’m A Celebrity Get Out Of Me Ear Takeaway stunt.
- Ian Wright’s beautiful tribute to his lost friend David Rocastle on BT Sport’s Rocky & Wrighty documentary.
- A clearly horrified Pamela Anderson leaving Celebrity Juice at a canter.
- Harry Hill’s Alien Fun Capsule joke about mistakenly taking his Nan to Dignitas instead of Disneyland: “Still, shame to waste a trip.”
- And my favourite quiz show answer of the week, from Nick on The Chase: “What first name links the Prince in Swan Lake to the First World War poet Sassoon?” “Vidal.”
INCIDENTALLY, I say “favourite quiz show answer of the week”, this brave soul, Indy, came close on The Chase. “In the novel Jane Eyre, Mr Rochester keeps his first wife in what room in the house?”
“The kitchen.”
Lookalikes
THIS week’s £69 winner is the bronze statue of Ronaldo and comedian Greg Davies. Sent in by Francis Harvey, via email.
Picture research Amy Reading.
