Pippa Middleton is tying the knot this weekend and is strangling the fun with her fevered wedding preparations

PIPPA MIDDLETON reportedly wants a “relaxed” wedding to fiancé James Matthews this weekend, but the fevered preparations would suggest anything but.

A structure resembling the old Crystal Palace has been shipped in from Belgium, guests have been told to bring two outfits (nightmare) and her father Michael — face etched with strain — has been spied clutching an Excel spreadsheet on what’s happening when, where and, gulp, how much it costs.

But most tellingly of all that it’s not a relaxed affair is the news that certain, shall we say “unfashionable” relatives have been left off the guest list, including her mother Carole’s aunt, Ruth.

Jean Harrison, a deliciously off-message cousin of Pippa’s late grandmother Dorothy, laments: “I think it is extremely sad that so many close relatives have not been invited.

"It would never have happened if Dorothy was still alive. Ruth and Dorothy were very close, she must be heartbroken.”

The reason for the snub might simply be lack of space in the, er, 350-seater replica of Crystal Palace, or perhaps it’s the dilemma of every society wedding — what to do with the rellies who might betray the “perfect” new image you have painstakingly crafted for yourself by pointing out to fellow guests Lord and Lady Ponsoby-Smythe that you used to say serviette instead of napkin.

Yonks ago, I attended the nuptials of an old colleague to a woman who had always made Hyacinth Bucket seem understated. But the wedding day, in a stately home, natch, took it to a whole new level.

There was a horse and carriage, calligraphed placement cards, a battalion of staff in white gloves, more flowers than springtime in Amsterdam, a string quartet, a designer meringue frock, lunch of foie gras and beef wellington and gallons of champagne.

All very lovely for the guests but it must have cost an absolute fortune and, what galled me the most was that her mother — a dinner lady who looked faintly bewildered by the grandiose nature of it all — told me that her brother, the bride’s uncle, had been banned.

Why? Because, she told me, “He’s not all there”. Meaning that he might still point at aeroplanes or something, but who cares?

“For better or worse” means exactly that, and includes potential eccentricities of those who were part of our lives as children.

Without doubt, one the best wedding receptions I ever attended was held in the local village hall.

There was a good old sing- song, a minor scuffle, a pool of vomit on the unisex toilet floor and an octogenarian aunt who entertained us all with The Cocaine Song to the tune of Old MacDonald — with a “sniff sniff here and a sniff sniff there”. We talked about it for weeks.

Each to their own and all that, but one wonders whether the guests of Pippa Middleton and James Matthews will feel the same way after what’s being billed as “the wedding of the year” but will, one suspects, be so stage managed that any potential spontaneity will be strangled at birth.

Mrs is still his Miss

A DOCUMENTARY about new French president Emmanuel Macron shows him asking for chocolate and his wife Brigitte replying: “No, you’re not to eat crap.”

Sounds like that old teacher/pupil relation- ship is a hard habit to break.

Beauty over brains

DOWNTON ABBEY creator Julian Fellowes – for whom my admiration knows no bounds – says if  it comes down to one or the other, then being beautiful is better than being brainy.

“Beauty opens doors and people like to be with people who are beautiful,” he says. Indeed they do. But beauty is transient and built on the reactions of others. So when it fades, those blessed with “good looks” can sometimes feel their self-worth evaporate too.

Whereas those with brains are listened to, a benefit that strengthens rather than diminishes with age.

What makes a real woman?

WHEN broadcaster Dame Jenni Murray suggested that men who have a sex change aren’t “real women” because it isn’t just about “frocks and make-up”, she faced an angry backlash from the transgender lobby.

Interestingly, I have just interviewed Caitlyn Jenner (formerly Bruce) who agrees with her. In her book, The Secrets Of My Life, she states: “I am not a woman, I’m a trans-woman,” because, she says, she will never menstruate, give birth or experience sexism.

But she has had the final surgery “for authenticity” and at last seems at peace with who she is.
Judge for yourself by watching the interview today on Loose Women (ITV, 12.30).

Showing off

A VIDEO on social media shows Tamara Ecclestone giving a guided tour of her vast wardrobe the size of a studio flat.

A £40,000 Hermes handbag, hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of designer frocks and a collection of Chanel espadrilles (£460 a pair) which would pay the national debt of a small country.

More depressingly, she blithely says that her three-year-old daughter Sophia’s wardrobe is even bigger.

Tamara, 32, inherited her wealth from father, Formula One billionaire, Bernie Ecclestone and that’s fair enough.

But what I’ll never understand is why, when so many people are going without, she actively chooses to flaunt her vulgar profligacy publicly.

Kiss me KK-ate

THIS is Harmony Al, the latest sexbot from RealDoll.

She is linked to an app which, apparently, gives her a “brain” and allows you to program how happy, sensual or talkative she is.

What’s the betting that most users will program her to say very little other than “give it to me, big boy” or words to that effect. But I digress.

Is it just me, or does she resemble certain reality TV stars?
Albeit a lot brighter, obviously.

[boxout featured-image="3577988"]ASIDE from the astonishingly good Netflix series The Crown being snubbed for a prize, what struck me about the recent Baftas was how mind-numbingly dull some (not all) actors are when they don’t have the benefit of uttering engaging words written by someone else.
But then, maybe, what makes them so good on screen is that they’re such a blank canvas off it.

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Better believe it

THOSE expressing disbelief that Moors murderer Ian Brady died without revealing the whereabouts of victim Keith Bennett’s body aren’t getting it.

He was a cold-hearted, inherently evil psychopath with zero compassion for his fellow human beings.
And no amount of time passing or contemplation was going to change that.