Drugs are fine if you’re a royal, Wills – but not if you have real job
Drugs make people lose their ability to reason and that should matter more than thinking about the amount of we could tax drugs for our economy
SO, Prince William wondered out loud this week whether it would be a good idea to legalise drugs.
On the face of it, he has a point.
They could be taxed, which would be excellent news for the economy, and it would be excellent news too for many of William’s friends, who could pop into Boots when they wanted a hit, rather than having to meet someone under a railway arch.
I should imagine the police would be pleased as well, because with the illegality taken out of drugs there would be fewer gangland shootings and therefore more time to investigate real crime, such as speeding and driving in a bus lane.
But before we all get carried away, we need to look at the downsides, chief among which is temptation.
If you want to buy drugs today, you have to make a call and pay with cash and find an alley with no CCTV cameras. And every day thousands of people do just that.
So imagine how many people would be doing it if you could simply pop into your corner shop and use a debit card to get a packet of smack.
We can all buy a drink legally and nearly all of us do. It’d be the same story with drugs. Everyone would be at it.
And how would the country work if everyone was off their faces?
It’s not so bad if all you have to do is visit schools and open municipal art galleries but what if you are not royal?
What if you are a doctor or an airline pilot? How would you combine your job with your new-found ability to smoke weed whenever the moment presented itself? Sure, alcohol can cause many very serious problems. Especially if you are in a Cheshire wine bar and a plastic woman with an orange face has just said: “Wanna come back to my place?”
But most people can have one or two drinks and then stop if they know they have something to do later. Like play football.
Drugs don’t work like that. Many of them mean you lose the ability to reason.
So you’re going to get train drivers thinking at five in the morning: “Oh it doesn’t matter if I do one more line. Trains drive themselves these days.”
And would you let an accountant handle your tax affairs if you knew he was off his head on MDMA?
Then there’s the problem of the smell. I’ve been recently to various US states that have legalised cannabis and every street reeks of the stuff.
Seattle now smells like a prog rock dinosaur’s lavatory.
Finally, though, you have to look at what happened when various pious religious nutcases banned the sale and consumption of alcohol in America.
Al Capone continued to feed the demand and simply shot anyone who got in his way. Today, drink is legalised and taxed but does that mean America’s economy is booming?
And does it mean no one is shot any more?
Pity the 54 little Jeremies
WELL now we know. In Britain, there are 54 people who are mad.
We know this because that’s how many people last year decided to call their baby Jeremy.
Some will have done this because they admire Jeremy Corbyn. But others will have chosen the name because they like it.
Either way, we are talking about swivel-eyed loonies.
It’s a terrible name.
I sometimes wish I’d stuck in adult life with the nickname I was given at school.
Tiny-brained fluffer boy.
Time for cycle lock up
A CYCLIST who killed a pedestrian has been sent to a young offenders’ institution for 18 months after he was charged with “furious” driving.
Road safety campaign- ers say it is ridiculous that we have to rely on a 19th century law designed to stop people driving their horses and carriages too quickly through a built-up area.
But actually, it isn’t ridiculous at all, because all cyclists are always furious, all of the time.
Just last week, like a good pedestrian, I waited until the pelican crossing lights had gone green before crossing the road.
And after two steps, kaboom, I was hit by a speeding cyclist who went absolutely mental about why I wasn’t looking where I was going.
It was plainly her fault. She’d gone through a red light. But soon she was joined by an army of other cyclists who were equally furious, even though they didn’t know why.
Cyclists are cross with everything. Vans. Taxi drivers. The Conserva- tive Party. People who eat meat. Buses. Each other.
I should imagine most beat their wives most nights for no reason.
So let’s get it over with, charge them all with furious driving and put the whole damn lot in prison.
Darker side of droids
IT is now possible, if you have £7,500 lying around, to buy a sex robot.
You can choose from 73 different hair colours in 39 different styles, the tone of the skin and the shape and type of pubic bush.
So far, so harmless.
But then it turns out that your robot’s artificial intelligence can be programmed so that it resists your advances.
Well now I’m sorry, but if I’d paid £7,500 for a sex robot that wouldn’t let me have sex with it, I’d be pretty cross.
I therefore did some digging and it turns out this setting allows the owner to experience the sensation of raping someone.
It also has a setting which means it makes the appropriate noises if you hit it.
It makes you wonder about people, doesn’t it?
And despair.
Odd set of strides
I’VE been studying catwalk footage from various London Fashion Week events this week and I’m puzzled.
Why do all the models walk like they’ve only just discovered gravity?
Ryanair is only good for cheap flights
ALL week, people have been moaning and groaning about Ryanair’s decision to suddenly cancel thousands of flights.
Really? Haven’t you got the message yet?
Ryanair is not interested in you or your ruined holiday or your wheelchair or whether your baby is hungry.
It just does cheap flights which will take off, probably, at some point and hopefully land vaguely near where you were hoping to go.
Accept that, and it all makes sense.
A 105 of lady passed her driving test
AFTER 80 years on the road, an old lady of 105 took her driving test and, much to the joy of the television producers who had organised this, she passed.
When questioned afterwards she said she enjoys driving apart from when people drive too close to her boot lid.
“It’s annoying,” she says, “and it happens all the time.”
Yeah. I bet it does.
Butterfly by post
ANIMAL enthusiasts were in a right old flap this week when it emerged that the latest wedding craze is to release a swarm of butterflies instead of throwing confetti.
It seems the monarchs being used are not native to Britain.
Which means that after they’re released they cannot find the food they need and they die of starvation.
That’s pretty grisly, I’m sure. But I’m amazed the animal rights people haven’t noticed an even bigger cruelty issue . . .
You buy the butterflies mail order from America. And they arrive by bloody post.
Smoking stops the bleeding
I WENT to the dentist this week to find out why my gums start bleeding for no particular reason.
“Ah,” she said. “It’s because you’ve given up smoking.”
It turns out that chemicals in tobacco stop blood circulating in the gums, so when you stop smoking, the blood comes back and spurts out of every gap it can find.
Strange, isn’t it? These days they smother cigarette packets with all sorts of gruesome pictures of what will happen if you keep on smoking.
But they don’t show you the even more gruesome results of stopping.