The Apprentice star Jeff Wan claims he ‘will throw you under bus for deal’ as all 18 candidates freely explain what makes them colossal idiots
OK, DARLINGS. Roll credits, cue Lord Alan and we’ll be on the massive tosspots in five . . . four, three, two, one.
“I’m a fine-tuned money-making machine. I smell of success and a little bit of money.”
“I am normally the smartest person in the room.”
The perfectly damning words of Sajan and Ross, who sounds like he was working as the Cape Wrath lighthouse keeper before launching his bid for global business domination last week on my favourite reality show.
It’s The Apprentice, which had me slightly worried when it began its latest BBC1 run with a parade of the past winners and pep talk from 2014 champion Mark Wright, who explained that, if the new candidates worked hard enough and blah blah blah, they too could spend the next 30 years flogging their guts out in digital marketing.
A test, obviously, for the likes of “nice guy” James who must have felt like bolting with a: “Sod that for a crack at Love Island.”
Outwardly, though, no-one blinked, leaving all 18 free to explain just what it is that makes them such a colossal bell-end.
As well as the usual outlandish boasts about wealth and success, a few of this year’s candidates came with the veiled threat of violence, including “potty” Elizabeth (Olive from On The Buses), who delivers a “size 10 kick,” and Jeff, the Putney jogger of the business world, who’ll throw you: “Under the bus, over the bus and then get in and drive the bus.”
Others, by slight contrast, had a message that was meant to sound impressive but was also open to wild misinterpretation.
Multi-million pound portfolio/debt owner Michaela, for instance, is “like a bulldog in business,” and will often break off a sales pitch to hump the MD’s leg, while Andrew is “a cross between Clark Kent and Gok Wan,” who spends his working days hanging around phone boxes, in his under-pants, telling fat lasses they look like Heidi Klum.
The traditional Apprentice circle jerk, though, is always the best opening ten minutes of any show on television, partly because, in the 11th, they enter the mansion and all their boasts turn to dust when it becomes apparent none of them have ever seen anything quite so luxurious in their lives.
What little remained of their credibility, of course, was then completely destroyed during the opening burger-selling task.
As usual, last week, it was boys versus girls, who matched each other pretty evenly with the familiar cries of: “GO GO GO.”
In terms of an actual contest, however, it was a non-event. The girls sold constantly to workers at Canary Wharf.
The boys sold three burgers and a salad sandwich, behind a shed in Brixton. The girls also have the early edge in terms of characters this year, with Elizabeth and Siobhan, who clearly detest each other, already well to the fore.
The most fascinating exchange of the task, though, came when Siobhan suggested men would prefer to buy from an attractive woman, at which point Karren Brady suddenly made a dash for the moral high-ground and said: “I don’t understand.”
The correct response to this, obviously, is: “Oh, but you do understand, Karren. In fact you got your big break working for David Sullivan, so don’t try and play the passive-aggressive, feminist card with me.”
Siobhan didn’t, though, and it’s probably for the best. The minute Apprentice candidates wise up and start questioning her credibility or not laughing at His Lordship’s God-awful puns this show’s over. And that, my friends, would be a minor tragedy for television.
Some may write off The Apprentice every year, but it remains better cast than any reality show, more beautifully shot and edited than most movies and funnier than all of the British comedies on telly.
If you don’t believe me, watch Wednesday’s episode, which turns into a showcase for Jeff, who doesn’t just ask, “How many bankers do you know who can breakdance?” he demonstrates it as well.
(BBC1, 9PM) GO GO GO.
- GOOD Morning Britain, October 9, 7:50am, Piers Morgan: “Am I the stupid one here?”
As Paul McCartney once said, here, there and everywhere.
- FILTH Corner. Rowing World Cup. James Cracknell: “Anna Corderoy’s lying down in the bows. Their cox will be informing them where they are, saying, ‘Don’t sit back on it, you can enjoy it tonight’.”
TV GOLD
Larry David’s magnificently offensive return on Sky Atlantic’s Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Ruby Wax making heartbreaking sense of her Holocaust-fractured family on Who Do You Think You Are?.
Talented Grace Davies stunning everyone at The X Factor by singing in tune. Shaun Ryder having some sort of fit on Celebrity Juice’s wibbly wobbly board.
And You’re Fired’s superb host Rhod Gilbert delivering the perfect payoff to boys’ project manager Danny on the Apprentice spin-off:
“You’d have sold more burgers at a Morrissey gig.”
Porridge reboot is criminal
BY today’s permanently offended standards, the original Porridge was sexist, racist and homo- phobic and wouldn’t have been allowed anywhere near BBC1 prime time.
But I loved almost every word of it, and particularly the Scottish digs Fletcher aimed at Mr Mackay.
“Oh yes, young Godber, I was quite a pugilist in my youth. I boxed for Lothian Boys.”
“Who against, Lanarkshire girls?”
Bringing it back in the age of outrage, without any edge or the genius of Ronnie Barker, who timed everything to perfection, is of course the very definition of futility.
The biggest frustration being the original writers, Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais, can still deliver the most beautifully crafted lines – as demonstrated here by Kevin Bishop’s young Fletcher, above, who’s trying to coax tight-fisted warder Mr Braithwaite into a romantic gesture for his wife.
“Dim the lights, Buble or Bacharach on the sound system. She comes in, you suggest she relaxes in a bath with a chilled glass of wine, but you’ve surrounded it with scented candles and given off an atmosphere of seduction.”
Thoughtful pause.
“She had a bath on Tuesday.”
Please, watch Porridge as nature and the comedy gods intended, not as BBC1’s compliance unit demanded (Gold, tonight, 7.40pm).
Great sporting insights
- Davie Provan: “Scotland have delivered a poor performance just when Gordon Strachan needed it.”GREAT Sporting Insights
- Davie Provan: “Scotland have delivered a poor performance just when Gordon Strachan needed it.”
- The Merse: “Ronald Koeman was always going to be the first finger to be pointed at.”
- Charlie Nicholas: “Their awareness is good because they’re not aware of each other.”
- Alan Pardew: “You can never say never. Never.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
CAPTION clarification. RE: Panorama’s Korean security expert, General In-Bum Chun, was his name and rank, not a lifestyle choice.
Wannabe grimes stars trying to cash in
MEANWHILE, on ITV2’s Chris & Kem: Straight Outta Love Island, the wannabe grime stars were attempting to cash in on youth’s love of incomprehensible doggerel and tinnitus by using lots of buzz phrases and asking some leading questions.
Kem: “We’re going to Ministry of Sound for a meeting and it’s gonna get a little bit gassed. What are we saying?”
In case of asphyxiation, do not attempt resuscitation. That’s what we’re saying.
Political Correctness
A warning.
On Friday’s Last Leg you may have wondered why “comedian” Robert Webb was able to dismiss a country, its entire history and everyone who lives there as “a psychotically violent nation”, without a murmur of complaint from the show’s very right-on presenter, Adam Hills, or the audience.
This was because it was the USA he was describing.
Try it with Syria, Iran, Afghanistan or anywhere else, apart from the USA, Britain and Israel, and you risk being tarred and feathered as a “racist” by the Last Leg gang, every virtue-signaller in the Twittersphere and almost certainly Robert Webb as well.
I don’t make the rules of political correctness, I just explain them.
How is Labour still eligible?
INCIDENTALLY, can anyone else explain why Labour’s still eligible for a Party Political Broadcast on Channel 4 when The Last Leg gives it a 65-minute one every week?
Ditto BBC1 and Have I Got News For You.
Doctor, get back to Gord
THE finale of Doctor Foster promised everything but delivered nothing.
The entire series was, in fact, just a ruse to sucker in easily pleased viewers and turn it into a franchise.
So Gemma didn’t run her husband over and Simon failed to kill himself.
He just felt a bit suicidal after eating a fry-up at the Watford Hilton, which may be a perfectly understandable reaction given the circumstances, but it’s a bad episode of The Hotel Inspector rather than a fitting climax to the year’s most-hyped drama.
Fed-up with this endless self-pity and bickering, their bed-wetting, Aston Villa-supporting son, Tom, sensibly vanished right at the episode’s death and now wanders the earth searching for answers, like a Holte End version of Young Caine on Kung Fu.
The hope has to be that Gemma and Simon take the hint and leave the morose little sod to it, as I’m all out of caring about anyone on this show – apart from Gordon, above, resident hypochondriac at the Parminster medical centre, who’s got more than a few aches, pains and mystery twinges that urgently need resolving.
Was it just “a headache”? Or some- thing far more sinister?
Come on, Auntie, turn it into a spin-off and tell us if Gordon’s alive, will ya?
Lookalikes
THIS week’s £69 winner is Siobhan off The Apprentice, and Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town.
- Emailed in by Chris Walton. Picture research: Amy Reading.
Quiz show lame brains of the week
- Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The two American states whose names end with the letter T are Connecticut and which other?” Ann: “Washington.”
- The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The administrative centre of the Scilly Isles is on what island?” Jess: “Sicily.”.
- Ben Shephard: “On the average human body, hands are located at the end of which limb?” Liz: “The elbow.”
- Ben Shephard: “In golf, what name is given to the club specifically designed for putting?” Chris: “Wedge.”
