MI5 is doing a brilliant job but we need tougher terror measures to stay safe – never mind if it infringes a few human rights
IT’S been quite a few weeks since a Muslim jihadi maniac went berserk murdering people in a British city, hasn’t it?
Either driving a car at innocent people, or stabbing them or setting off one of their home-made bombs.
September was the last one I remember. Bloke tried to set off a bomb on a Tube train at Parsons Green. The bomb didn’t go off properly.
This is because the bomber was too thick to read the instruction manual. That’s one of the things we have on our side. The fact that these Islamists are — how can I put it — extremely intellectually challenged.
Denser than a block of tungsten. Remember the idiotic shoe-bomber, Richard Reid, who couldn’t even manage to light the fuse in his Matalan trainers?
You know what I’m saying. These people. They’re not quite the full burqa.
Hell, even the IRA could probably manage to light a fuse. And they weren’t the brightest lads in the known universe. The other thing we have on our side is our own security services.
Just because people haven’t been maimed or murdered for a month or two doesn’t mean the Islamists have given up.
The threat has not remotely gone away. Far from it. Our spooks reckon they have thwarted NINE terrorist plots in the past 12 months.
There have been a total of 22 plots since those two revolting Islamist savages murdered Private Lee Rigby in Woolwich, South East London, four years ago.
We should be eternally grateful to our security services for the work they have done. Without them, many many more British people would be dead or maimed in terrorist outrages.
But the official figures suggest that there are at least 3,500 known terrorist sympathisers within the Muslim communities here. And another 15,000 who are probably up to no good.
That’s a small percentage of our Muslim population.
But it’s still a significant number of mentalists wandering around, stocking up on bomb- making stuff from their local hair- dressers or sharpening their knives.
So let’s make the problem a little easier to solve. If the terrorist sympathisers are not British-born, kick them out.
Send them back to their country of origin.
And the jihadi fighters returning from the Middle East? Don’t let them back in.
Send them back to Syria and say: “No, really, you seemed to be having a lovely time out there. Extend your holiday! You know, I think we’ll muddle along without you, inshallah.”
And the ones who are born British? House arrest, at the minimum, for the lot.
Because we can’t rely on the brilliance of MI5. Sooner or later some feral Islamist thug will duck below the radar, and innocent people will die.
Nine plots so far this year. We need to start getting a little bit tougher with these people.
And if their human rights are infringed, never mind.
Bring back Toast Toppers
ANYONE remember Toast Toppers? Staple of my childhood. Looked like cat puke but tasted delicious. Heinz has stopped making the stuff.
So we’ve got a petition up to make them reintroduce it. .
Forward with the revolution! We will not rest until Toast Toppers are back on our dining tables.
Especially the chicken and mushroom one.
Em's too pasta saucy
HERE’S a shot from Emily Ratajkowski’s Advent calendar. Not terribly Christmassy, is it? The rest of the spaghetti shots are all the same. Although I haven’t looked at December 25.
Maybe she’ll have a robin coming out of her kecks or something.
Exterminating rats is 'humane'?
HOW are you with rats? I don’t mind them. We’ve got one living somewhere in our courtyard.
But then we’re in the countryside so you’ve got to expect them.
I’ve seen it a few times, but it’s never caused us any problems. Seems quite polite, etc.
Researchers at Edinburgh University think they’ve found a way to genetically modify rats so that they only give birth to male baby rats.
This would be, they say, a “humane way” of ending Britain’s rat menace.
Hmmm. So exterminating an entire species is “humane”, is it? Just because it gets in our way sometimes?
But that’s how we are with animals. We pretend we like them, but persecute them relentlessly.
I suggest those researchers first try out their techniques on a different species – Belgians, for example.
And see how humane people think that is.
Trump's move is spot on
AT last Donald Trump has done something worthwhile.
The US president has decided to recognise Jerusalem as the proper capital of Israel. That’s because – um – it IS the proper capital of Israel.
Other countries, us included, refuse to acknowledge this fact.
That’s because we’re terrified of upsetting the Palestinians, who want the city for themselves.
They’re already out on the streets shrieking the usual Allahu Akbar rubbish and burning photographs of Trump.
Some commentators say that recognising Jerusalem will set back the Middle East peace process.
What peace process? The stated wish of Hamas is to drive Jewish people out of Israel and for Israel to cease to exist.
Daily the rockets are sent over into Jewish towns and cities.
And jihadi nutjobs scour the streets of Tel Aviv looking for Jewish people to stab.
We should be clear whose side we are on in this battle between civilisation and savagery.
Scromitting cannabis
THERE’S a new form of cannabis which causes people to scromit.
That’s scream and vomit at the same time.
A tricky act to pull off, although I manage it whenever Clare Balding’s on the telly.
And people still want to make this stuff legal!
Blissfully ignORAnt
I NOTICE that a pudding-faced woman called Jane Park has called another woman, Rita Ora, a “whore”.
I think this is because Ms Ora was photographed sitting in the lap of a man called Conor McGregor. Apparently Conor is married.
I have never heard of the pudding-faced woman, Park. I have never heard of Conor McGregor. I have just about heard of Rita Ora. I think she’s a kind of soft drink. Unless that’s her sister, Kia.
Too orangey for crows was the advertising slogan. Works well for Rita, too.
It is a blissful situation to be in, not knowing any of these people.
We need to threaten to leave without a deal
STILL not happy about this proposal to bung the EU £50billion.
And I think Theresa May will end up ensuring we remain part of the EU’s customs union.
Nope, that’s not what we voted for. And it’s not what we want.
So well done to the Democratic Unionist Party for throwing an almighty spanner into the works.
The bigger the spanner, the better.
As more and more people are now saying – threaten the EU munchkins that we will just walk away.
The EU won’t be our trading partner – the governments of the EU countries will.
Anal bleaching til it glows in the dark
HAVE you tried a spot of anal bleaching recently? It’s a sleb trend. Famous rich people want to have an a***hole so white it glows in the dark.
Doctors are now warning that this can be terribly damaging. It can even lead to herpes.
I think the slebs go to a clinic to have it done. But you can probably do it just as well at home with a bottle of Domestos and a wire brush.
Is there anything more narcissistic than being worried about the colour of your nipsy?
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Don't get too excited about the World Cup draw
ALL the pundits – and the England manager, Gareth Southgate – were very upbeat about our World Cup draw. Tunisia, Panama and Belgium.
Problem is, England tend to play better against the big teams.
And we also tend to start World Cups very slowly (and then not improve much).
Fail to win against Tunisia and we’re probably out – the usual 0-0 draw won’t be enough.
You can see it now, can’t you? The Africans with ten men behind the ball.
And England playing with the wit and excitement of a recently gassed badger.
Anyway, it is the duty of all English players over the next six months to clobber the terrifyingly talented Belgians Lukaku, Hazard and De Bruyne every opportunity they get.