Mel and Sue’s new Generation Game… as Brucie might say: ‘Didn’t they do hell?’
The Johnny Vegas potter’s wheel was probably spinning at the same out-of-control speed as Brucie in his grave
THINK you had a grim time watching Mel & Sue’s Generation Game, on Sunday night? Spare a thought for Lorraine Kelly and Richard Osman who were plonked, stage left, like witnesses at a state execution.
No convincing explanation as to what they were doing there either, though the hosts did ask Lorraine: “What are you expecting?”
Truthful answer? Wedding Day Winners to drop one place in the Worst Entertainment Show Of The Year category.
Actual answer?
“I’m looking forward to being entertained and having lots and lots of laughs.”
Well, good luck with that one, Lorraine, whenever the happy occasion arises.
In the meantime . . .
Set your grin to rictus for the latest version of a much-loved BBC1 series which was originally meant to feature four episodes. Only two were considered fit for broadcast, however, and it’s safe to say all holiday leave was cancelled at the canned laughter factory for this one.
A small mercy then, I suppose, the new show did at least stick to the original and golden format, beginning with four competing pairs of relatives and ending with the conveyor belt.
In between there was also some weird Basil Brush acid trip, in place of the usual theatrical number, plus group dancing, plate-spinning, sausage-making and a Johnny Vegas potter’s wheel which was probably spinning at the same out-of-control speed as Brucie in his grave. How so?
The choice of hosts, obviously.
For in its majestic 1970s pomp both Brucie and Larry Grayson managed the almost impossible trick of making the contestants the show’s absolute stars while simultaneously dominating everything.
Where they brought humour, energy and the common touch, however, Mel & Sue just gave us the usual lorry loads of irony along with obscure references to Newsnight and Shiatsu massage and a definite sense that they were a bit above these proceedings.
Viewers could’ve told the BBC this was exactly what would happen, of course. As often as television executives insist we must love this pair, they prove the exact opposite is true, with their record at prime-time, light-entertainment shows, like Pitch Battle, Let It Shine, Let’s Sing & Dance For Comic Relief, being particularly bloody.
The insane thing here, though, is, deep down, if you scraped away all the box-ticking, I think you’d find the BBC secretly agrees.
That’s the real reason they had to add Lorraine and Richard, whose presence meant, of the show’s four fixtures, three of them were middle-class, Cambridge University graduates.
Probably because these three reflected their own views and backgrounds, fairly accurately, the BBC would, if they noticed it at all, have thought this didn’t matter.
But it did, massively.
It’s the reason, in fact, why Mel & Sue couldn’t disguise their disdain when contestant David revealed his love of motor sport and seemed slightly baffled when another celebrated winning the trip to Vegas so wildly.
A huge shame, as you could tell from Sunday the Gen Game format still has legs and I’d love to see it in the hands of naturals like Bradley Walsh or Ant & Dec.
I’d have loved even more, though, to see the Beeb’s Head of Light Entertainment tell Brucie, back in the day, that he needed two on-stage “experts” to, you know, help him with the general vibe and laughter.
Death, you suspect, would’ve been the name of the game. And he’d want to play the game with you.
Filth corner
European Weightlifting Championships, Eurosport, David Goldstrom: “Maria Alemanno failed in the first round and now it’s Shatova the Bulgarian.”
Which puts the Australian ball-tampering row in perspective, I think.
I've had my fill monty
LIVE on ITV last week? A half-naked brass band and Dom Littlewood’s bum crack.
Two of the queasier moments from The Real Full Monty: Live.
This was a 90-minute special to raise cancer-screening awareness, prompted by last year’s strip, which was one of 2017’s most joyful, funny and life-affirming shows, and had an air of innocence about it that made the message and personal testimonies all the more powerful.
Inevitable then, I guess, that ITV would return with the live men’s version, featuring John Hartson and Jeff Brazier, above, followed by a Ladies’ Night dance with the likes of Coleen Nolan and Megan McKenna, which overwhelmed both me and the message with its tears, worthiness, moralising and “out of my comfort zone” cliches.
Many will think otherwise, I realise, and ITV will now be sorely tempted to turn The Real Full Monty into an annual, Comic Relief-style event.
Personally, I’d resist it, though. Because it’s at this point it’ll become hard to avoid the feeling lesser lights are doing it for their own profile, or laugh-at moments like Arg splitting his rehearsal trousers and Jeff asking for trouble during the great penis-naming debate, when he asked Ugo Monye: “What’s your phrase of choice?”
“I dunno, c**k-piece.”
Yeah, c**k-piece, willy, prong, pocket gristle, but it’ll always be plain old Jeff Brazier to me.
Keep checking, fellas.
TV gold
Lennie James and Stephen Graham giving the performances of their lives on Sky Atlantic’s Save Me.
Brilliant Bill Nighy obliterating every other actor on Ordeal By Innocence.
ITV3’s Larry Grayson: Shut That Door! reminding us how good he was at hosting The Generation Game and how bad Mel & Sue were, on Sunday night.
And the Sky Planner’s latest tempting offer for Wednesday’s Embarrassing Bodies: “The team hit the road for Norfolk’s Sundown Festival where the forecast is bites, piles and chronic discharge.” Count me in.
Crosby, ills & slash
WEDNESDAY night on MTV and up pops Geordie Shore moron Charlotte Crosby, bellowing: “My life is a rurler-curster. Fancy coming along for that ride?” No, of course I don’t, but it’s either this or 200 words on Agatha Christie.
So I’m throwing my lot in with The Charlotte Show, a genre of film-making that should technically be known as a “fly-on-the-bawl” series, given the fact she shouts everything at heavy artillery level.
It also features a lot of “strong language, nudity and scenes of a sexual nature”, which MTV warns us about at the start, and another featuring Charlotte performing on the toilet, which they most certainly don’t.
The real driving force behind all of the drama, though, is Charlotte’s own bewildering stupidity and the fact she attracts the same sort of men as a category A prison.
Recent incumbents have included Ex On The Beach lowlife Stephen Bear and like-minded Geordie Shore cretin Gaz Beadle, who breaks her heart at the start of the show, when Charlotte reveals he’s started breeding with some other lucky lass.
In her own words, though: “It’s onwards and upwards,” because Charlotte’s already replaced them with another likely lad called Josh, but admits: “I need to set some ground rules, mark my territory and maybe even p*** on him later.”
So, erm, yeah.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
Good Morning Britain, Richard Madeley: “Sir Lenny Henry has always brought the laughs.”
Angela, the Whitney Houston impersonator on Change Your Tune: “No matter what they do to me, they can’t take away my dignity.”
And Celebrity Ghost Hunt Live, Rylan Clark-Neal: “Bobby Norris, Charlotte Dawson, there really is no holding you back, is there?”
There is if you’ve got a taser, strait-jackets and ankle cuffs.
Great sporting insights
GREAT Sporting Insights. Paul Merson: “It’s a must-win game, so Chelsea will at least have to draw it.”
David Wagner: “We did so many things right in missing plenty of chances.”
Paul Merson: “Stoke’s owners think the highest they’ll ever finish is tenth because they finished ninth three years in a row.”
Quiz show bone-domes of the week
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “A person described as an Alabamian would come from which US state?”
Katie: “Albania.”
Ben Shephard: “Notts TV is a local television channel based in which English city?”
Al: “London.”
Ben Shephard: “In 1825 what South American country was named after the Venezuelan explorer Simon Bolivar?”
Al: “Brazil.”
Ben Shephard: “Born in Trier, in 1818, what is the first name of the political philosopher Marx?”
Emma: “Howard.”
Lookalikes
THIS week’s £69 winner is Big Mo from EastEnders, and Big Vern from the funnier-than-ever Viz comic.
Sent in by Chris George, via email.
Picture research: Amy Reading.
Random TV irritations
Good Morning Britain guest Ben Wallace MP referring to the emergency services as “the blue light community”.
Charlotte Dawson somehow making Joey Essex look like Ludovic Kennedy, on E4’s Five Star Hotel.
MOST READ IN OPINION
Generation Game contestants being forced to wear protective goggles for the plate-spinning round. Sue Perkins’ use of the greeting “my friend” carrying all the sincerity of Dermot O’Leary’s “buddy”.
And Channel 4 basing its latest series of The Island on the idea that “the divide between Britain’s haves and have nots is getting greater,” despite the cold, hard economic fact the gap’s been narrowing for years.
Though I’d never expect Channel 4 to let a minor detail like truth get in the way of its class war, student posturing, obviously.
