TV icon Del Boy Trotter gives top Brexit tips to Theresa May for how to get a pukka trade deal

WHEN it comes to business and negotiating, Derek “Del Boy” Trotter from Only Fools And Horses knows everything there is – making him the perfect person to help Theresa May with Brexit plans.

Today we bring you the South London wheeler dealer turned author’s very own guide to leaving the EU, with his essential tips for the Prime Minister.

3

Del Boy said: “The world of big negotiations is not for the faint of heart, and that’s at the best of times.

“There’s a lot at stake when it comes to Brexit, not just cheese, wine and BMWs. We’re talking frankfurters, sprouts and Eurovision — the whole crepe suzette. That’s why it’s vital you enter that negotiating room equipped with the right tools.

“As a successful and respected captain of industry myself (Founder/CEO/President Elect of Trotters Independent Trading Co), here are ten of my top tips guaranteed to help you seal the pukka Brexit deal.”

3

3

1. Image counts, so you need the right one. Remember, you want a look that says, ‘I’m going straight to the top, flat-out, and you’re coming with me’. You don’t want one that says, ‘I’m going back to bed ’cos I’m shagged out, sod off’.
2. Walk in like you mean business — chin up, shoulders back, looking the world in the eye. Don’t walk in like you’re digesting a dodgy mutton vindaloo.
3. No soppy dances. None whatsoever. Not one.
4. I’d get the ball rolling by adding continental lingo into the mix to break the ice. A bit of the old ‘Respondez vous avec petit Suisse, danka shon’ should do the trick. They won’t know what’s hit ’em.
5. Use lots of big business words like integration, visualisation, systemisation, optimisation. Basically any words ending in ‘ation'.
6. Be prepared for long talks. As much as it can give you the right hump, the best deal is worth waiting for. My negotiation strategy is based on that of the Special Forces — I use speed and surprise to get in and out before anyone knows what’s happened. But that’s just me. I’m the sort of bloke who would have captured German machine-gun nests.
7. Don’t mention German machine-gun nests.
8. Be polite, but not a pushover. If that Claude Chunker (or that other geezer with the goggly eyes and the dopey syrup, you know him) starts getting up in your boat race and giving it all the “Appellation Bordeaux Controlee”, calmly ask him if he wants to take it out to the car park. Don’t worry, he’ll say “non."
9. Head to the boozer. There ain’t much a few pints and a round of mussel sandwiches can’t cure. Even better if they can’t remember any of it the next morning. Lovely jubbly!
10. Finally, the best deals ensure everyone’s a winner. We’re neighbours, and everybody needs good neighbours. And with a little understanding we can find the perfect blend. After all, Neighbours should be there for one another. That’s when good neighbours become good friends. Fabrique Belgique.

• Del Boy: , Ebury Press, out November 1, £20.