Beckenbauer, Beck’s, Bosch, BMW, Brahms, bratwurst… we LOVE you too, Germany. But we still want Brexit

THE Germans are broken-hearted over Brexit – so much so that a group of prominent Germans took it upon themselves to write a letter describing how much they were going to miss us.

It was published last week in The Times, and told how Germany would not have the freedom and prosperity it enjoys today without our help.

The 31 signatories also listed their favourite things about Britain – from enjoying a pint down the pub to driving on the left hand side of the road – before urging us to stay in the EU.

But sorry, Germany – that’s not going to happen. Here, we write an affectionate letter back to our friends on the Continent.

DEAR GERMANY:After years of assuming you thought we were an inefficient island of drunken oafs, it was touching to hear that in fact there’s rather a lot you love about us.

In your kind letter you confess that after Brexit you will miss our black humour, tea with milk and seeing the panto at ­Christmas.

You’ll also miss the friendship that stretches back to the wake of the Second World War, when we stood by you as you hauled ­yourself to your feet after that unrepeatable horror.

All very touching, but there’s absolutely nothing we’ll miss  about you — because we are not going ­anywhere. After all, it’s not you we’re leaving, it’s the EU.

Sure, our roads would be half as fast and twice as unreliable if not populated by your brilliant BMW, Audi, Mercedes and Porsche cars.

Classic FM would be all the poorer for not playing the three  Bs — Johann Sebastian Bach, Ludwig van Beethoven and ­Johannes Brahms.

And our Great British Bake Off might fall rather flat without those great German Neff ovens and  their special slidey doors.

But just because the best thing for us is to leave the EU, it does  not mean anything has to change between our two great nations.

Rest assured, come the  summer  we’ll still be sunburnt and  arguing with you by the hotel pool because you had the temerity to get up at 5am to nab the best sunloungers.

Worry not — there will never be a time when we won’t want to guzzle gallons of your delicious Beck’s beer. We’ll never turn down a bratwurst or stop admiring ­gorgeous Claudia Schiffer and lovely Heidi Klum.

Thanks to the skills of legends like Franz Beckenbauer, no football match between our nations will be greeted with anything less than hysteria, and no victory of ours marked with anything but the greatest glee.

Call it schadenfreude, if you like. Our homes are grateful for your Bosch dishwashers, your Miele vacuums and your DeWalt drills.

Our Premier League is grateful for the creative genius of Jurgen Klopp and the talents of Leroy Sane. And our wallets are thankful for Aldi and Lidl’s budget- friendly delights which fill our cupboards. Even our beloved Queen is a little bit German.

So don’t go thinking you can get rid of us that easily. We’ll still  mock your total sense of humour failure and your silly lederhosen.

Our boys and girls will still turn up mob-handed to Oktoberfest to drink your lot under the table.

In return, you can keep boasting about your famous efficiency, and your bouncers are more than ­welcome to keep turning  our stag parties away from “the world’s coolest club” (if you say so), ­Berghain Berlin.

Like (British queen) Victoria and (German prince) Albert, we are a match made in heaven.

We share the same taste in music — you sent us Kraftwerk to educate us in electronica, while we gave you The Beatles, who cut their teeth in Hamburg, and Bowie, who made Berlin his home.

You know we always think you look good, in your Adidas, Puma and Boss gear. We know you fancy a bit of Burberry and Topshop too.

And if your New Year’s Eve ­ritual of watching Dinner For One, a rubbish British comedy sketch from the 1960s, isn’t a sign of true love, then we don’t know what is.

Around 100,000 Brits live in Germany, and about 300,000 ­Germans call the UK their home.

There’s no need to move out — our Government has announced EU citizens won’t need to pay a penny in fees to stay.

So let’s not allow Brexit to come between us. If we can put two World Wars and five World  Cups behind us, we can certainly ­manage a little regulatory ­divergence and the odd new treaty.

It’s not auf wiedersehen, yet.

Lots of love, your British friends