Barber scarred by dad’s suicide after secret depression battle now helps clients open up
Ken Hermes, from Halstead, Essex, was just 15 when his dad took his own life
CLIPPER in hand, barber Ken Hermes gets to work trimming another bloke's beard.
While he values every customer, there's one guy he wishes he could have sitting in his chair – his dad Kenneth.
The 45-year-old took his own life when Ken, from Halstead, Essex, was just 15 after secretly battling depression.
Just hours before, the pair had enjoyed an evening together playing their favourite songs on the guitar, chatting and drinking beers.
Ken, 28, said he had no idea how his dad was really feeling, despite always thinking he "wore his heart on his sleeve".
As part of The Sun's mental health awareness and suicide prevention campaign, You're Not Alone this Mental Health Awareness Week, Ken has opened up about the struggles he faced after suddenly losing his dad.
'I had no idea he was depressed'
Ken explained: "My dad and I had a bit of turbulent relationship in my early teens but then we found peace with each other and became really good friends.
"I had no idea he had depression though."
His dad was originally from Colorado and worked for the American air force before meeting Ken's mum and eventually the pair settled in Essex.
When he left the military, he set up his own transport business which was successful until an increase in fuel prices forced him to sell.
He was later involved in a car crash, where he suffered a back injury that left him in constant pain.
Ken said: "When they came back to England, he struggled to find his feet.
"He worked for a dairy near our house, but then it closed and he got made redundant, along with numerous people in our village.
"He was a bit of a calamity. He ended up in and out of work - he would take any job to try and support us a family. As a dad, I'm very much the same with mine.
"When he lost his job, my mum had to go back to work as a night manager in a supermarket and that would have hurt his pride.
"I can get how soul destroying that must've been."
He ended up in and out of work - he would take any job to try and support us a family
Ken Hermes
Ken explained: "Now I can see he was depressed, but at the time I would joke with him when I got home from school and say, 'you lost another job again dad?'"
His parents worked opposite shifts, so barely saw each other, but his dad's hours meant he got to hang out with him in the evenings.
"We'd just sit in the garage and chat. Back then, I thought we chatted about everything and were being really open. I realise now he wasn't telling me how he was really feeling."
He had no idea that the evening of February 8, 2006, would be the last he would spend with his dad.
The next morning as he was getting ready for school, his mum found Kenneth hanging in their garage.
Recalling that morning, Ken said: "I was pampered and I'm not too proud to say that. I was the only child and mum held onto me.
"That particular morning she asked what I wanted for breakfast and I asked for beans on toast.
"I was wrapped up in a blanket talking to my friends on MSN when we’re supposed to be getting ready for school.
My mum went to get a can of beans from the garage... the next thing I heard was screaming and crying
Ken Hermes
"We had a pantry bit in the garage where we kept tins of food. It was cold and I didn't want to go out there so I had a bit of back and forth with mum over it.
"I had just got up to go and do it when she went, 'no, I'll go'.
"The next thing I heard was screaming and crying."
'I wanted to escape'
Ken said he tried getting inside but she wouldn't let him, so he tried calling his dad's phone but heard it ringing inside.
"I turned around and saw my dad's van outside and for me at that point it all goes blank.
"The next thing I remember is being in the kitchen with my uncles and all the emergency services were there - police, paramedics, the coroner.
"One of them asked me to sit down and, the phrase I remember him saying is, 'you know your dad hasn't been himself lately'.
"And that was the moment the penny dropped.
"I just wanted to escape the situation. I grabbed a picture of me and my dad and his eternity ring, which I put on my finger, and fled the house.
"I went to the park and sat on a swing and cried."
Ken's advice for opening up the mental health conversation with your barber
IF you want to start the conversation with your barber, you can...
- Ask them if they have heard of the charity, The Lions Barber Collective. This is an easy quick win to start a positive conversation about mental health.
- Ask your barber if they can relate to the situation you are in. Even if they can’t, this again allows you to explain what you are going through.
- Explain that this haircut is much needed as you need some “me” time and explain why. Even if they are just listening, this will help you
A few friends came by to comfort him and they spent the rest of the day hanging out before one of their mum's came to pick them up.
"I had to go home and face what had happened," he said.
In the days that followed, Ken and his mum struggled to come to terms with their loss.
He said: "It’s like when you have a baby - suddenly everyone is there, but then when they return to their normal life it’s very isolating.
It’s like when you have a baby - suddenly everyone is there, but then when they return to their normal life it’s very isolating
Ken Hermes
"Before we knew it, my family had flown over from America and it was busy again. It was bittersweet, because I got to hang out with my uncle and grandfather.
"But it was terrible because they were here for the reason that no one wanted.
"I remember trying to stay strong, especially for my mum. I was scared she would do the same thing.
"Years later, I found out my mum was worried about me for the same reason."
10 signs your loved one could be at risk of suicide
There are several warning signs that a person is at risk of suicide.
But it's vital you know that they won't always be obvious.
Lorna Fraser of the Samaritans said looking out for subtle personality changes in friends and family, especially if you know they have been going through a tough time.
These are the key signs to watch out for:
- A change in routine, such as sleeping or eating less than normal
- Lacking energy or appearing particularly tired
- Drinking, smoking or using drugs more than usual
- Finding it hard to cope with everyday things
- Not wanting to do things they usually enjoy
- Becoming withdrawn from friends and family – not wanting to talk or be with people
- Appearing more tearful
- Appearing restless, agitated, nervous, irritable
- Putting themselves down in a serious or jokey way, for example 'Oh, no one loves me', or 'I'm a waste of space'
- Losing interest in their appearance, not liking or taking care of themselves or feeling they don't matter
Ken said that his family were in denial that his dad would want to end his life and felt relieved when the coroner ruled an open verdict on his death.
The inquest heard Kenneth had been put on the anti-depressant Seroxat and thought they were "messing with his head and making him feel suicidal".
When he told his doctor, he was put on an alternative anti-depressant, Citalopram, which his wife told the court had "changed his personality", it was reported.
Ken explained: "We sought comfort in the ruling at the time. We were trying to find blame - it was the doctor's fault.
"But looking back 13 years later, it's not comforting. And we don't have the answers."
Opening up
Ken says that for years he didn't want to talk about what had happened to his dad and struggled with his own crippling anxiety battle.
"For a while I wouldn't talk about it. I figured people got bored of listening.
"I wouldn't watch or read anything that referenced suicide, especially hanging."
It was when he started getting into the hair industry that he decided to open up about what had happened.
Through the , he started to share his story and now he's helping other men open up about their mental health.
He said: "I feel like we’ve helped a lot of people. I’ve gone back to my old school with some of the teachers that were there when it happened and given talks."
Now an official ambassador for the collective, he's encouraging other barbers to sign up to the training to help men up and down the country.
Ken said: "We're not trying to get barbers to be counsellors, because we're not, but it's a great opportunity to get them to open up.
"It’s so intimate - if you’re going for a beard line up you’re with a guy with a razor close to your cheek. You’ve already broken down so many physical barriers.
"We try to normalise the conversation and provide a non-clinical, non-judgemental environment.
"From there we can spot the signs and encourage them to open up, and if we feel they need help we can signpost them in the right places."
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost - to suicide.
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society - from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others... You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,
- Mind, , 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus,, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, , 116 123
He added: "I find that because of my own experience it's a good conversation starter. They might already recognise me, which opens it up, or they'll ask how I got into hair and then I can tell them about the charity.
"The majority of men can relate to something I say and it's endearing that men want to talk about it."
Ken says anyone who wants to get involved should visit the Lions Barber Collective website for details on free training.
A survey commissioned by the Lions Barber Collective and male grooming brand The Bluebeards Revenge revealed that more than half of British men now feel more comfortable discussing sensitive mental health issues such as depression with their barbers/hairdressers than with their doctors.
MORE FROM YOU'RE NOT ALONE
The Bluebeards Revenge has also launched a new hair styling gel, with 50p from each tub sold going to The Lions Barber Collective, helping the charity raise awareness and prevent male suicides all over the world.
The inside of the product cartons also carries branded messaging from the charity, signposting men to the Samaritans charity to seek additional support.
If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please call the Samaritans (free) on 116 123.