Cripplingly dull Love Island doesn’t work in the Ofcom era and, like, literally needs Big Brother
WELL, some of you did say you wanted “plus-sized” contestants in the Love Island villa.
Eight weeks and 10,000 cheese toasties later . . .
Behold! Curtis, first ever resident with no abs and a pair of moobs.
Not the reason Amy fled Majorca, but you can’t rule out the possibility his appetite made her slightly nervous when he said he wanted her to be: “My half girlfriend.”
A hefty break with ITV2 tradition I’d like to think would stem the ever-present tide of whingeing and viewer outrage that’s threatened to overwhelm this year’s run, at times.
It seems unlikely, though.
SAFE AND CRIPPLINGLY DULL
We’re now in the Ofcom era of Love Island, which was very much a reality show of two halves this summer, with the early tone being set by the deaths of two ex-contestants before filming began.
Perhaps understandably then, the first few weeks were very safe and cripplingly dull.
Iain Stirling’s commentary was no longer funny, a section of the viewers were “up in arms” about everything and the contestants seemed a calculating bunch who knew what played well with audiences (stupidity and catchphrases), but added up to nothing much more than non-committal phrases (“it is what it is”) and all those insanely irritating verbal tics that make you want to raise the voting age to 35, like, literally.
Then they shipped the boys out to Casa Amor mid-series, the masks slipped and suddenly we had storylines, characters (Maura), love triangles and a show on our hands.
The verbal tics were ramped up a notch as well, with Anna’s “boyfriend” Jordan being caught whispering these sweet nothings to India, only last week: “I feel, like, I don’t regret anything, like, I’ve done with Anna, like. But I feel, like, like over the past couple of days, like, I’ve, like, found myself, like gravitating towards, like, looking forward, like, to bumping into, like, you.”
Then it all kicked off, like, with Anna, who called Jordan “Mr Fake D***head”. Which, I think I’m right in saying, was Roger Hargreaves’ less successful follow-up to Mr Tickle.
As a drama, though, you couldn’t deny this sort of unedifying incident helped turn Love Island V into a ratings phenomenon, with six million regular ITV2 viewers.
On a purely personal note, however, it’s the first series where I haven’t warmed to either the show or — Tommy, Chris and Francesca excepted — the contestants.
CRUSHING IRONY
I don’t think it’s a coincidence it’s also the first ITV2 series that hasn’t been head to head with the defunct Big Brother, which always served to make the Love Islanders look funny, amiable and civilised by comparison.
As well as inheriting BB’s viewers, however, it’s also inherited the baggage that went with it and hundreds of Ofcom-bothering vigilantes who think the blokes are all “gaslighting” and everything’s “a fix”. Sometimes they’ve got a point, as well. Producers did engineer Joanna’s exit for added drama with Michael and Amber.
The crushing irony here, though, is that Celebrity Big Brother would probably still be going if greedy Channel 5 hadn’t killed the golden goose by trying to defy the basic laws of supply and demand and adding an extra series in 2012.
You hope for better, obviously, from Britain’s main commercial network, then up pops a spokesman last week, to announce: “We’re delighted to be bringing you an extra series of our biggest, sunniest show in 2020.” And you realise ITV’s every bit as stupid as Channel 5, like, literally.
Quiz show dough-balls of the week
All contributions gratefully received
- The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which Womble shares his name with a famous soldier and Prime Minister?”
Carl: “Orinoco.” - Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The MP for Aberavon, Stephen Kinnock, is the son of which former Labour leader?”
Molly: “Tony Blair.” - Ben Shephard: “Which American composer wrote the music and lyrics to the stage musical Follies?”
Molly: “Beethoven.” - And vintage Bullseye, on Challenge TV, Jim Bowen: “Which English travel agent, born in 1808, originated the guided tour?”
Andy: “Pickfords.”
BBC’s on PC road to ruin
IT’S quite clear now, there’s not one part of its schedule the BBC won’t sacrifice in the name of obsessive, fat-headed political correctness.
The network’s comedy output is all but dead, drama will follow and now the Beeb has even sabotaged its biggest hit, Strictly Come Dancing, by filling the vacant judge’s chair with Oti Mabuse’s sister, Motsi.
An appointment no one seriously believes was based on merit, least of all those of us who’ve been watching and waiting for her to say something memorable on Celebrity Gogglebox these past six weeks.
It’s not her fault, of course, but if Motsi undermarks her sister, the show looks compromised. If she over-marks her sister, the show looks compromised.
And if she just gives exactly the same marks as everyone else, there’s no point in her being there, unless she suddenly turns into Joan Rivers.
Even the BBC must have worked all this out but decided it would rather undermine its most popular show than be seen giving the job to a straight white man (Anton Du Beke).
The BBC really shouldn’t be too surprised, then, if the rest of us, who aren’t fortunate enough to tick any of its precious boxes, decide we don’t feel much like funding this right-on racket any more.
But I bet it will be.
Netball World Cup
FACT of the tournament, BBC commentator Caroline Barker: “Jo Harten’s nickname is Salad Fingers, but now she wants to bang bang bang and . . .”
And I think we’ll leave it there.
Eamonn up ship creek
FILLING This Morning’s regular “dingbat slot” last week was an ordinary enough-looking woman called Amanda Teague, who appeared above the following caption.
“The ghost I married tried to kill me.”
Not just any old ghost, mind you. This was a 300-year-old pirate named Jack whom she married – at sea, naturally – three years ago.
Through some fairly forensic questioning, by Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, it was also established that Amanda couldn’t see pirate Jack, ’cos he existed only in spirit form, but they did have sex. Which must have been no small undertaking at his age.
All went well with the relationship, though, until Amanda said she noticed “there were a lot of red flags” and probably a black and white one as well.
The scurvy-livered rapscallion had given her sepsis by some unexplained means. He’s since been exorcised from her life but if there is anyone out there who’d like to hook up with a dead pirate for “no-strings fun, or more”, Eamonn had the perfect question.
“How did you two meet?”
How the hell do you think they met, Eamonn? Tindaaaarrr?
They met in her vivid imagination.
Great Sporting Insights
Compiled by Graham Wray
- Millie Bright: “Me and Rachel Daley are literally the same person.”
- Graeme Swann: “It was a relief Jason Roy threw one of his throws.”
- Rio Ferdinand: “Firmino brings so many different aspects of the table.”
Lookalikes
- Sent in by Dave Wolfe. Picture research: Alfie Snelling.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
- Celebrity Crystal Maze, Richard Ayoade: “Susan Calman’s a comedian, from Glasgow.” (She’s from Glasgow).
- Zone Of Champions, John Thomson: “We’ll see you after the break.” (Optimistic).
- Adulting, Emily Atack: “In the last few months I’ve had a taster of what life’s going to be like with work from now on. And it’s full-on.” Over in five, four, three . . .
INCIDENTALLY, if This Morning’s Speakmans can “cure your phobias,” how the hell do they intend to tackle my irrational fear of Eighties throwbacks with frosted highlights?
TV Gold
Little Monita on Channel 4’s Orangutan Jungle School.
BBC1’s brilliant Still Game.
This Morning’s Eamonn Holmes squirming with discomfort as he had to follow an interview with the Bruderhof religious sect, who oppose rampant consumerism, by announcing: “Here’s Lisa Snowdon with the big bucks, big bang competition.”
And ITV’s Sewer Men revealing the weirdest thing that’s ever washed up in their poop chutes is: “A small horse.”
No idea if it was alive or dead, but if that story wasn’t headlined “My little pony and trap” by the local newspaper, journalism’s dead.
LOVE Island, Molly-Mae to Tommy: “What do you think is next for us?”
ITV2 spin-off show, Celebrity Juice cameo, a PA at Revolution nightclub (Blackpool), Ghost Hunting with Rylan, a few unreturned phone calls and then it’s the movies, picking popcorn out of the carpet at the Trafford Centre Imax. The end.
Random TV irritations
- Killing Eve remaining television’s most unpleasant, over-rated and predictable show, right to the last.
- Poldark’s descent into the usual issue-driven BBC nonsense.
- News networks imagining live outside broadcasts from Parliament add anything other than a smattering of jobless looney-tunes.
- Last Leg holiday cover Tez Ilyas confusing “cutting-edge comedy” with the same sweary cobblers every other witless, left-wing mediocrity is churning out.
- And all those hundreds of thousands of tedious sods who claim “everything happens for a reason”. Watch ITV’s Zone Of Champions. It doesn’t.
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