Agree what’s off-limits, don’t gloat and have safe sex: How to have a successful open relationship like the Wanderlust couple
Sexpert Dr Pam Spurr reveals her dirty dozen dos and don’ts to make your open relationship work
OUR self-help and relationship columnist Dr Pam Spurr regularly brings you must-know info for your life. Follow Dr Pam on Twitter @drpamspurr.
Daring new BBC1 drama Wanderlust bursts onto our screens tonight. Starring Toni Collette and Steven Mackintosh, it charts their open relationship.
Where sex outside of your relationship would tear apart many couples, some couples claim a bit of lustful wandering keeps their relationship strong.
Having interviewed many who’ve been in open relationships I know there are ground rules that make some successful. For other couples? Wandering was the worst decision they ever made.
Here are a dozen dos and don’ts if you want to take the plunge.
1. Where does your desire come from?
Do think about where your desire for sex-on-the-side comes from before springing this on your partner. Do you feel neglected generally? Or bored in the bedroom? Could you both improve this?
Or is this a bigger question about relationships and life and you want something ‘different’. Answering such questions makes it ‘easier’ to approach your partner.
2. Prepare for their reaction
Don’t be surprised if they hit the roof. Because unless you two have shared fantasy-chat about flings outside of your relationship, they’ll probably be shocked.
When things calm down, a sensitive discussion will allow you both to air genuine feelings. Never pressure them if they don’t want an open relationship.
You’ll have to decide whether you want to stay with them or experiment with new relationships.
3. Do it for the right reasons
Don’t ask for an open relationship to hang onto a partner you fear might cheat or is falling out of love with you. This is a surprisingly common route into open relationships.
This takes away your power for having the kind of relationship you want – a committed, monogamous one.
4. Are you still in love?
Do you secretly feel you’ve pretty much fallen out of love? Deep down, is suggesting an open relationship, one way of keeping your foot in the door with your partner? Not fair!
You shouldn’t use them as a security blanket while looking for something else under the guise of an open relationship. Man- or woman-up and tell them the truth.
5. Take your time
Do take your time starting this new phase of your relationship, even if you’re both up for it. Jumping for joy and heading out the door to pick someone up pronto, could make your partner feel very insecure.
6. Educate yourselves
Do educate yourselves on safer sex methods. You won’t know the sexual history of your ‘flings’.
Obviously use condoms for full sex. And have a male partner wear one if you give him oral sex. And if giving a woman oral sex, place dental dams or sturdy cling-film over her vaginal and clitoral zones.
7. Agree limits
Do agree what’s off-limits. For instance, you might decide neither of you should have sex with a work colleague. Because obviously it could get complicated.
8. The rules
Do discuss whether you only see other people once for sex or if you’re allowed to see the same person as many times as you want.
9. Be comfortable
Definitely decide if there’s anything off-limits. Couples who go to sex parties often agree certain ground rules, for instance, like not giving oral sex to someone else.
They feel this is too intimate and want to keep such pleasures for their relationship.
10. Don't gloat
Don’t gloat about the red-hot sex you’ve just had unless you both get aroused hearing the dirty details. Agree in advance how much you’ll share with each other about your liaisons.
11. Discuss jealousy
Do discuss the green eyed monster if it rears its head. Jealous feelings left unchecked can destroy your relationship.
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12. Be honest
Do be honest if you start developing emotional feelings for your supposed ‘fling’ and don’t be surprised if your main relationship changes.
The surprising thing would be if it stays the same!
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