Brit cycling hero Mark Cavendish admits he ‘felt worthless’ during depression battle with pals fearing he’d harm himself
MARK CAVENDISH has opened up about his mental health demons and chronic fatigue battles – with pals worried he could have harmed himself during these dark days.
The Tour de France legend reveals the turmoil he experienced off the bike in a raw and honest Netflix documentary that comes out next week.
In the film “Mark Cavendish: Never Enough”, the Manx Missile talks about the longstanding impact Epstein-Barr virus – common among endurance athletes – has had on his performances and fitness.
In August 2018, he was diagnosed with clinical depression – a month after he was eliminated from the Tour for the first time after being too slow on a mountainous stage.
Around the same time, he had been involved in two horror crashes – one where he collided with a traffic bollard and another caused by being dangerously shoved into barriers by rival Peter Sagan.
Two “terrifying” incidents that saw him break bones, almost lose a finger and discover he had “a hole in my shoulder blade”.
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Speaking about his low moments, Cavendish said: “You don’t go from being the best in the world to really not even capable of (anything). How? How? How has it happened?
“Was I going f***ing crazy? What the f*** was wrong with me?
“So I called my old team doctor. I had gastro exams. I had psychological assessments. I had neurological tests. Reaction tests. Blood tests.
“He said: ‘You shouldn’t have been racing. You should have stopped there immediately.’”
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Cavendish admits he was a “nightmare to live with” at home with wife Peta as he rowed with team management at old outfit Team Dimension Data, struggled with his diet and was axed from 2019 Tour selection.
Speaking of his depression, the 38-year-old, a father-of-five, said: “I didn’t have anything, didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything, didn’t feel anything.
“You’re just f***ing empty, you know. The sense of worthlessness. I’d lost any get up that I’d ever had. Just to be a person, to be a dad, to be friend, a husband.
“I was too consumed in self-pity to care about what anyone cared about me.”
It was four years ago that he fled the family home to his mum’s place on the Isle of Man – where he grew up – but a top sports psychologist followed in pursuit to ensure he did not do anything to himself.
Dr David Spindler, a cognitive neuroscientist, said: “I get to the front door and I hear: ‘Sorry mum, I’m in the toilet.’
“Yeah, Cav was evacuating his stomach contents because he’s slightly hungover. More than slightly.
“It’s like: ‘OK, what have I actually walked into here?’
“I was making sure that the situation wasn’t acute enough to have to call someone to put him into the hospital.”
Asked directly if he was worried Cavendish “was going to harm himself”, Spindler said: “Yeah, yeah. Peta was extremely concerned for her husband. (He was saying:) 'Is my life worth it any more? This is not worth it.''”
Spindler, who played a major role in Cavendish’s successful comeback to pro cycling in 2021, added: “Cav’s happy place has always been on his bike, by himself.
“I rode a scooter beside him every day for ten days. And I refused to speak until he spoke to me first.
“We’d talk about some eating issues in the past and some pressures to perform.
“He found that his joy wasn’t in racing his bike. His joy was just cycling. And that his bike was a sense of freedom.”
Cavendish, who is set to retire from pro cycling this year, missed out on the chance to win a record-breaking 35th Tour stage this month.
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He had to abandon the race when he broke his right collarbone in a crash on Stage Eight.
*Mark Cavendish: Never Enough will premiere on Netflix on August 2.
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