Beers ranked from worst to best
NOT all lagers were made equal. When you walk into a bar and the selection is Carling, Fosters and John Smiths, you know that:
A) The Landlord has bad taste
B) There’s a high likelihood the pipes haven’t been cleaned for years.
But look, if you’re into Carling, I’m not here to judge… No wait, sorry, that is absolutely what I’m here to do.
I’m here to rank the best beers, from worst to best, and if your favourite is at the wrong end of this list — well, that’s your problem.
Let's kick off with the worst.
14) Worst - Budweiser
The worst beer for sale in the UK is Budweiser. America has a lot to answer for when it comes to food and drink, and it’s no surprise that the nation that invented “light beer” (a category of lager that is so bad, we’re not even including it on this list) is responsible for the worst lager on this list.
And they have the audacity to call it the King of Beers.
13) Carling
Carling always seems like a good idea at first. Nearly always £1 cheaper than the alternatives, it's money in the bank. This happiness is immediately demolished once you take that first sip.
12) Carlsberg
You change the recipe all you want. At the end of the day, it’s still Carlsberg. It somehow manages to taste stale when freshly opened. Probably not the best beer in the world.
11) Amstel
One of the only bad things about Amsterdam is Amstel. The flavour is so bland, I guarantee none of you can describe how it tastes from memory.
10) Fosters
All you need to know about this terrible Australian beer is that they don’t even drink it in Australia. Even Australians have better taste than that. Best drank with a BBQ because then you'll have somthing to take the taste away.
9) Heineken
This hoppy lager somehow tastes of marginally rotten apples, which is not really what you want from your beer
8) Grolsch
Easily the most “meh” beer on this list. It’s impossible to describe the taste of Groslch, it just… Is a lager. If somebody held you at gunpoint and said “brew a lager that is the alcoholic equivalent of a beige cardigan” you’d brew a Grolsch.
It’s not that it’s bad, but it’s not good either. It’s the guy at the party whose name you can’t remember, and you didn’t get a chance to speak to, but who seemed ok.
7) Becks
Becks is marginally good. That’s really all I have to say about it. It’s a bit better than Grolsch, and it’s easier to pronounce, which is an important quality when you’re trying to order in a loud bar.
6) San Miguel
A beer so classy that a mere taste of it immediately transports you to Magaluf, Tenerife, or the Costa del Sol.
Something about San Miguel seems to leave you with a worse hangover than normal beers, but it’s somehow worth it. The type of lager that’s equally at home as an accompaniment to a moderately fancy meal, as it is to a pre-drinks session in a student house at a former polytechnic university.
5) Kronenbourg
For a country whose national dish is literally just steak cooked in a pan for a minute or two with some vegetables, France really do think they’re the dog’s knackers when it comes to food and drink.
Well you have to hand it to them, they did a decent job with Kronenbourg. A summery beer with a hint of citrus that should only ever be drunk in a park on a Saturday, or at a barbecue.
4) Red Stripe
The undisputed king of festival lagers. If you go to a festival without drinking a can of Red Stripe, then you didn’t go to a festival, you just watched music in a field.
Red Stripe is designed to be drunk in bulk. Nobody ever has one or two Red Stripes, the least anyone has ever had is eight. Subsequently, nobody actually remembers what it tastes like.
But I think it tastes good… I think.
3) Corona
I don’t know what they do to Corona, and quite frankly, I don’t need to know. But when the sun is shining, and you stick a lime in the top of that bottle, magic happens.
And the lime constitutes part of your five a day*, so that’s an added bonus.
*Not actually true
2) Stella Artois
Any lager that’s served in a goblet is alright by me. Some beers only work in certain forms. You’d never drink Corona from a can, for example. But Stella works on draft, from the can, from the bottle, or poured straight out of a keg into your mouth via a hose.
It’s a great lager… But it’s not the number one greatest lager, because that honour goes to...
1) Best - Peroni
Italy tends to get it right when it comes to beer and food. And Peroni is no exception. It’s a beer that’s so good, you’re not actually allowed to sell it on draft in your bar unless a Peroni employee visits your bar and decides it’s worthy of this crisp, dry lager. This is not a joke.
I don’t exaggerate when I say that I would happily never drink another lager again, if it meant that the only lager available was Peroni. The greatest of them all.
In fact, hook me up to an IV, pump it into my veins and call me Giovanni. I love Peroni.
Do you agree with the list? If you don't, then quite frankly, you're wrong. Have a good day.
