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Review
SAIL THE HIGH TEAS

Caribbean cruise is a feast of fun, food and adventure

JUST two days in to  our first ever cruise and my wife is already  picking up the nautical language.

As I walk off to get my third plateful from the cold meats buffet in P&O Azura’s Verona restaurant, she calls after me in a salty seadog voice: “Avast behind!”

 On P&O's Azura cruise ship, life couldn't be easier - just make sure you pay close attention to the itinerary
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On P&O's Azura cruise ship, life couldn't be easier - just make sure you pay close attention to the itineraryCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

Very funny. But all this wonderful food isn’t going to eat itself,  you know.

A pal who’s an old hand at cruising says life on board a ship revolves around an itinerary. And don’t I just know it.

Full English breakfast at 9am. Lunch about one-ish. High tea at 4pm. Drinks and an aperitif at 6pm.

Three-course dinner around 8.30pm. Nightcap in one of the bars  afterwards.

 As you board, you don't need to worry about your luggage as it will magically appear outside your cabin
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As you board, you don't need to worry about your luggage as it will magically appear outside your cabinCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

And that doesn’t factor in the mid-morning snack and those post-lunch-pre-tea drinks and nibbles either.

Carry on like this for a week and I’ll probably find myself heaving to, long before the Azura has to . . .  I am really flinging myself into this cruising lark and that  surprises me.

I’d long ago mentally filed it on a list of things that may well be astonishingly popular but I personally didn’t get. Like Michael  McIntyre and U2.

But when the chance of a seven-day cruise round the beautiful  Caribbean on board Azura came up — sailing from Barbados to Tortola, St Maarten, St Kitts, Grand Turk and Antigua — I had the chance to face my prejudices head on.

 With too many meals a day to keep up with, your time will probably revolve around food
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With too many meals a day to keep up with, your time will probably revolve around foodCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

And the first thing I discovered about cruising is  it is very EASY.

We got off the plane at Barbados and straight on to a bus to the port — no queuing at passport control, no long wait at the luggage belt.

At the quayside, we were whisked through immigration with cold drinks in our hands and floral  garlands around our necks, up the gangway and on to Azura.

Luggage? Oh, that’s all magically taken care of for you — arriving at your cabin not long after you do.

 It'll be easy to forget that you're really there to see the calls of port so make sure you find the time to enjoy many of the great excursions on offer
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It'll be easy to forget that you're really there to see the calls of port so make sure you find the time to enjoy many of the great excursions on offerCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

If there are two important bits of advice I would give to newbies it’s these: Choose your ship carefully and always go for a balcony cabin.

The first one is vital. It’s no good wanting a quiet cruise only to find you are on some sort of floating Magaluf.

And of course it’s no good looking to party if most of your  fellow sailors are busy block-booking the cribbage room.

The Azura is in the middle — a warm, friendly ship full of slightly older cruise veterans who like to let their hair down without going too mad. Perfect for us.

First time? Read this

  1. Right ship: Check if it is adults only, family friendly or for more mature cruisers. Rule of thumb is the bigger and flashier the ship, and the shorter the cruise, it’s for party animals. Also, if you want to meet like-minded people, stick to British companies, such as P&O.
  2. Right cabin: Inside means no porthole. Outside means a window. A balcony cabin is what it says – you pay more but it is worth it.
  3. Dining: Ships run Freedom or Freestyle dining which means you don’t have to go to the same restaurant at the same time and sit at the same table every night. You choose a restaurant, ask for a table and if one isn’t available you get a pager until a table is free. It’s the best way of eating.
  4. Seasickness: Less of a problem than you think. But be sensible. Ignore hurricane seasons and choppy seas like the Bay of Biscay. Take plenty of remedies with you in case. Or try a river cruise instead.
  5. Tipping and service charge: A minefield of etiquette and can be costly. Depending on the cruise, you can pay in advance or at the end when service charges are added to your bill. P&O has just scrapped them. But you can still tip if you think staff are worth it.

And re cabins, it is always worth paying extra for the balcony so you can have a private sunbathe or watch the sunset over a quiet drink.

Azura has loads of timetabled activities, from talks and films to dance and exercise classes, via quizzes and competitions.

You are never short of stuff to keep you occupied on sea days. There is also a casino, a theatre putting on musicals and comedy nights and a gym and spa.

Or you can laze around one of the many pools and just do nothing if that is what you want.

 On a seven-day trip you can sail from Barbados to Tortola, St Maarten, St Kitts, Grand Turk and Antigua
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On a seven-day trip you can sail from Barbados to Tortola, St Maarten, St Kitts, Grand Turk and AntiguaCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

One of P&O’s big things is dressing up for dinner. Black ties and evening wear are musts on certain nights in the main restaurants.

It’s one of those things that splits cruisers but I like it. It makes it all feel that bit more special.

But back to that food. You could spend every night in the a la carte buffet restaurant or the main dining rooms with their set menus but it’s worth paying a bit extra for the speciality ones.

Epicurean is a gourmet delight for foodies and The Glass House serves tapas which you can match with vintage wines selected by expert Olly Smith.

 The Caribbean islands are just the right size for the ten hours you drop anchor
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The Caribbean islands are just the right size for the ten hours you drop anchorCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

And don’t miss high tea —  delicious, beautifully presented, Willy Wonka-ish cakes and goodies created by French patissier Eric Lanlard that you have to try at least once (or twice).

With all this on-board fun it is easy to forget the point of cruising — ports of call. Waking up somewhere new every morning is a real thrill.

You would think everyone would want to go ashore but passengers divide into leavers and remainers.

For every person who wants to disembark and explore, there’s someone who wants to stay and take advantage of fewer people in the pools.

 You could spend every night in the a la carte buffet restaurant or the main dining rooms but it’s worth paying that little bit more for the speciality ones
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You could spend every night in the a la carte buffet restaurant or the main dining rooms but it’s worth paying that little bit more for the speciality onesCredit: Mike O'Dwyer

The latter’s loss, I would say, because the Caribbean islands are just the right size for the ten hours you drop anchor.

In truth the modest “capitals” of Tortola, Grand Turk, St Maarten and St Kitts are no more than a high street with a few bars, shops and restaurants.

(We went last January and it was odd to be walking around in sunshine with Christmas decorations still up.)

But there is still plenty to do and see. We snorkelled off Tortola, had a go at kayaking in St Kitts and swam with stingrays off Grand Turk. We also hit St Maarten for a cookery exhibition that ended up at a rum distillery.

 For those who haven't cruised before, make sure you choose the right ship for the kind of holiday you want to have
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For those who haven't cruised before, make sure you choose the right ship for the kind of holiday you want to haveCredit: Getty

Just as much fun, though, is simply going ashore and sitting on a beautiful beach to soak up the sun for a few hours then finding a restaurant away from the cruise terminal (much cheaper) for some local grub.

We spent our last cruise day  in Antigua doing just that and enjoying the island’s friendly vibe.

So, yeah, I get why people love cruising. We met people on board who had already booked two cruises for next year and were busy planning 2021 and beyond.

Several had cruised so often on Azura, they were on first-name terms with the captain.

Go: Caribbean

P&O Cruises has a 14-night cruise on Azura from £1,229pp for an inside cabin, departing November 15, 2019.

Includes flights from selected UK airports, kids’ clubs, full-board meals and entertainment on board.

It starts and ends in Barbados and calls at St Vincent, St Kitts, St Maarten, Grand Turk, Tortola, Antigua, St Lucia and Grenada.

Or try 14 nights leaving January 11, 2020, for £1,429pp with same deal and itinerary.

See , call 03453 555 111.

Occasionally it can all seem a bit like being in a cult. It’s not one I’m  likely to join any time soon but I can thoroughly recommend a cruise, particularly for that special holiday.

Oh, and funnily enough, Michael McIntyre recently told a joke that made me laugh.

So it’s just U2 I don’t get, then.

 Simon also highly recommends bagging yourself a balcony cabin so you can have a private sunbathe or watch the sunset over a quiet drink
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Simon also highly recommends bagging yourself a balcony cabin so you can have a private sunbathe or watch the sunset over a quiet drinkCredit: Alamy
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