THERE were tears, “journeys”, sob stories and a hissy fit from Mollie after Harry walked off with 95 grand at The Traitors final.
Key moment for me, though, was an emotional Welshman, Andrew Jenkins, attempting to curry favour by claiming: “I’d like to start my own business one day, dealing with mental health.”
At which point I thought: “It’s screwed, it’s really screwed.”
Not The Traitors, you understand, which will be fine until the next passing reality TV fad steals its cloaks.
I’m talking about The Apprentice, which returned last night and used to be the automatic first port of call for aspiring bellends the length and breadth of the country.
Before we saw if the latest 18 candidates could revive the format, though, there was some light comedy from Lord Sugar, who missed an open goal with one of his first targets, Phil Turner.
For if someone is introduced as a “pieman and Arsenal fan” you either reference Piers Morgan or you sack your gag writer.
I will accept, however, there was an abundance of targets, the softest of whom appeared to be a bench-pressing throbber called Dr Asif Munaf, who described himself as “The four Bs — beauty, brains, body and business”.
To which Sugar added a fifth: “B*****ks.”
A self-confident lad is Asif, who as well as allegedly posting anti-Semitic material on social media, has already appeared on Dragons’ Den, where they gave his snake oil salesman routine the boot in 11 minutes, which was very generous of them.
You can’t help but wonder, then, why the hell BBC1 saw fit to give him a second chance.
If you were also already sensing an air of tired complacency about The Apprentice, bordering on self-sabotage, then it will have been confirmed by the location of the first task.
Not a week after the abseiling Traitors finalists left their Scottish castle (Ardross), The Apprentice candidates popped up in another (Cawdor), less than 40 miles away and sent their guests abseiling on a corporate awayday exercise that played out as so many of this show’s challenges have done before.
As dumb as the girls’ team acted, the boys’ team was even dumber, reaching their peak of stupidity in the kitchen, when a contestant called Oliver Medforth asked Phil the pieman: “What a tbsp of vanilla means?”
It probably means you’re a moron, Ollie, and you’re about to be the first firing in this clapped-out old process.
A verdict that I know won’t bother a single soul at the BBC, most of whom give the clear impression they care nothing for their shows just so long as they’re as “diverse and inclusive” as the next load of old woke toot they churn out at HQ.
Superficially, of course, the latest Apprentice line-up satisfies both those criteria.
You need only take the briefest glance at the 18 CVs though, to notice that, just as it did in 2016, the “diverse and inclusive” BBC has excluded absolutely every- one from Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland from the show.
It’s little wonder, then, Andrew and any-one else from Wales with a gift for spinning tall tales and a yearning for fame would take the hint and throw their lot in with The Traitors.
If there is anyone from Wales, Northern Ireland or Scotland feeling aggrieved about the very obvious hypocrisy of the BBC, which wants the Highland scenery but not its people, then I have some words of advice.
Don’t be. You’re well out of this one.
Because it’s with regret, obviously, that I’ve realised the once brilliant Apprentice is over, finished and done.
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “On which part of the body is a stetson traditionally worn?”
Laura: “Feet.”
Celebrity Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “In rugby union, what’s the usual two-word term for the feat of one six nations team beating all the others in that year’s championship?”
Jessica Knappett: “Bite.”
Lightning, Zoe Lyons: “Who am I? The film in which I had my first speaking role had the slogan ‘Garbo talks’.”
Evelyn: “Marilyn Monroe.”
And The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which Duke was played by Christopher Plummer in the film Waterloo?”
Craig: “Duke Ellington.”
So close and yet so bloody far away.
WILDERNESS host Simon Reeve inviting viewers to enjoy the silence of Patagonia, then talking all over it.
Antiques Roadshow featuring a My Little Pony collection.
Channel 4’s To Catch A Copper playing out like Carry On HR Tribunal, with “Sergeant Cocking, the officer in the sex on duty case”.
And Good Morning Britain guest Iain Dale claiming: “Polling now shows a minority of Britons in favour of the death penalty.”
Because, as 66% of the last poll demonstrated, the death penalty has widespread support in Britain, except on television.
OH s**t, Trigger Point’s back.
The ITV bomb disposal drama where, the moment things are about to go explosively wrong, someone says “S**t”.
And the next thing you know . . .
BOOM.
Another couple of jobbing actors are blasted 20ft into the air.
The pattern continues in this second series, where some politically driven maniacs are “taking back the power” via improvised explosive devices and drone bombs.
In due course, I’m assuming, they will be revealed to be the only sort of terrorists British television acknowledges, the far right, which won’t stop Vicky McClure’s Lana Washington worrying that the Muslim community will get the blame or prompt anyone else to explain exactly why they might automatically be in the frame.
The only real mystery, though, is how Lana and the rest of these morons got a job on this elite security team who make the Keystone Cops look like Mossad.
They blunder into buildings, set off bombs, cry, scream and snog each other in the middle of operations, which wouldn’t matter so much if the script could dig Trigger Point out of the comedy trap it’s set for itself.
But, as you can see from the following provocation, the dialogue is . . . what’s the word?
“You’re standing on a pressure point. When you stepped on it, it activated. When you step off it . . . ”
S**t.
AFTER a near miss on their Italian Job, Alan Carr asks Amanda Holden: “If we do crash, who do you think gets the biggest obituary column?”
The other driver.
LOVE Island, Liberty: “My ideal man would be Harry Styles as an electrician.”
Then reapply for All Stars series five, in 2028. Bingo.
SIMON THOMAS: “The top two are going head to head. It’s first v third.”
David Prutton: “In the Africa Cup of Nations, Ipswich drew 2-2 with Cape Verde.”
And Ally McCoist: “Not a penalty. The ball definitely hit his chest. And his left arm.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
The Big Show, Michael McIntyre: “This week’s guest is a hilarious champion of the people, it’s the brilliant Brummie Joe Lycett.” (Citation needed.)
Love Island, Anton to Georgia H: “I just think you’re funny, you’re intelligent, you’re caring. I’m excited.” (Desperate.)
And Would I Lie To You?, Rob Brydon: “She’s the Bafta-winning star of all your favourite sitcoms, Jessica Hynes.”
I’m going with LIE, Rob.
CLARIFICATION is also required on Love Island, where Georgia H, who’s into meditation, affirmations and all that self-deluding b*****ks, told Anton: “You’re struggling right now and you think you might potentially be on the wrong path but actually the universe is going to pick you up and it’s going to get you exactly where you need to be.”
’Cos I think she actually meant “universal credit”, but it was a nice thought.
IN acknowledgement of The Apprentice’s BBC1 return, a quick nod to the Radio Times, which came up with this forward-thinking and inclusive suggestion for replacing Lord Sugar in 2019: “She was a project manager for the winning team in Comic Relief Does The Apprentice, a panellist several times on You’re Fired.
Surely Michelle Mone just needs to appear on the main show now to complete the set?”
Yeah, surely . . .
BEST show, of a poor week, was BBC2’s Putin vs The West, which has interviews with almost everybody, including Boris, the head of the CIA and some slimeball from the Russian embassy called Andrey Kelin, who wears Russia’s national expression, a smirk, throughout.
I should also, though, give honourable mentions to Shaun Edwards speaking fluent Franglais, with a Wigan accent, during Netflix’s brilliant Six Nations: Full Contact. “Arrete the momentum” and “Beaucoup de feints” being my favourites.
And BBC1’s Would I Lie To You? which, along with Michael McIntyre’s Big Show, is just about the last place on mainstream telly you’ll hear genuine laughter, as was demonstrated when Lee Mack replied to Romesh Ranganathan’s claim: “This is Kai. He showed me a picture of his private parts. The whole caboodle.”
“Wait. He’s got a dog?”
THIS week’s winner is the dancing Scottish egg on Saturday’s edition of The Masked Singer and Frankie Boyle.
Sent in by Burkey, South London.
