CRASH GUILT
I told bosses ‘I want to go f***ing fast’ & then I crashed – I risked my girls losing their dad, says Richard Hammond
The former Top Gear host reveals he has no longer feared the concept of death since the horror incident
IT was the near-death crash that changed his life – yet now Richard Hammond has revealed how he cried tears of RELIEF when he learned his recovery would take much longer than doctors had originally told him.
The former Top Gear host, who described the seconds after he lost control of a dragster at 320mph, believes he may still be suffering with brain injuries from the 2006 horror.
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He also admitted for the first time that he had guilt because he had begged his BBC producer to plan a challenge for him to go “f***ing fast” — and ended up almost leaving his two daughters fatherless.
Richard, 54, who had another fireball crash in 2017, said he calmly accepted he would die when his jet-powered car began spinning while filming for Top Gear.
He recalled: “There was a sense of regret, but there was also a sense of answering a question that I’ve always wanted the answer to.
“Because we do all wonder at some point, ‘When’s that going to happen to me?’
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“And it was very much, ‘Oh, it’s now, and the next thing to do is to die’.
“It wasn’t frightening. I wasn’t wildly unhappy. I was very calm.”
Amazingly, Richard was not physically injured but was in a coma for two weeks and later suffered memory loss, depression and difficulties with emotional experiences.
Two years on, he was seriously concerned that he was still struggling, as his consultants had expected a faster recovery.
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‘The tyre had gone – it was an accident’
Then Grand Prix doctor Sid Watkins, who had treated Ayrton Senna with steroids for facial paralysis so he could carry on racing, offered timely reassurance.
Richard told Spencer Matthews on the former Made In Chelsea star’s podcast Big Fish: “I remember two, three years after the crash I was making a documentary with (legendary racing driver) Stirling Moss and talking to a big doctor, Sid Watkins, who was a massive influence in improving helmets in motorsport.
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Richard Hammond speaks from his hospital bed after crashing while filming The Grand Tour
“Talking to him off set — I’d been interviewing him — he said, ‘Richard, how long did the doctors tell you to recover?’
“I said, ‘Oh, I think they said a couple of years’. And he laughed and said, ‘Don’t worry, mate, it could be a lot longer than that. Just take your time’.
“And I burst into tears with relief — because I was two years in, knowing ‘This still isn’t right, I don’t feel right’.
“The relief of being told, ‘Take your time’ was immense.”
Another consequence of the crash was the emotional side.
He explained: “I had terrible survivor’s guilt, not because other people had died around me and I’d survived, which is the sort of commonly held view of it. I felt guilt because ‘Have I done this?’
“I mean, it was me that ran into (Top Gear executive producer Andy) Wilman’s office at the BBC.
“I don’t know why the idea came to me — I just ran in and said ‘Wilman, Wilman, I want to go real f***ing fast, really fast — like, proper fast’.
“That’s where the idea came from. Next thing you know I got a phone call from him saying ‘Right, Rich, we’ve sorted this jet-powered dragster for you to have a go’.
“Then it crashed. OK, a tyre delaminated and burst at 320mph, but I was driving it when it crashed.
“Was it my fault? I have responsibilities — two beautiful daughters, Izzy and Willow. They’re everything.
“Had I risked them being without a father by my rash actions?
“So I had terrible guilt until they could look at what telemetry there was on the machine and they could assure me, ‘No, Richie, your reactions were good, you did everything, there was nothing you could do beyond that point. The tyre had gone, it was an accident’.
“So that assuaged the guilt.”
Richard added that as well as not fearing the end during his brush with death, the experience left him unafraid of eventually dying.
I pulled the chute lever, it didn’t work. The brakes weren’t going to do anything at that speed . . . I thought, ‘There is nothing I can do now’. I felt an immense sense of calm
Richard Hammond
He said: “We all know fight or flight, the sort of in-built human responses.
“There is a third one according to someone I’ve chatted to, which is, sort of, freeze.
“It’s the point at which you realise there’s nothing you can do.
“The car veered off to the right, I pulled the chute (parachute brake) lever, it didn’t work.
“The brakes weren’t going to do anything at that speed and I was spearing off to the right and it was heading off the road.
“And then it started to roll and, as it went over, (I thought) ‘Well, there isn’t a roof, the wheels aren’t on the ground, the parachute hasn’t stopped it — there is nothing I can do now’.
“I felt an immense sense of calm. And it was an acceptance: ‘The next thing that happens is I die — what other outcome could there possibly be? There’s no roof on this car.’
“I was still doing 280mph as it went over, or 290. But it was like, the next thing on my to-do list.
‘I’ve no memory of it, but apparently I was standing’
“I have chatted to people about this and I’d like to chat further about it.
“It makes sense, doesn’t it? Our brain is often there to comfort us, and if the moment comes where there really is nothing more you can do.
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“It seems perfectly reasonable that the brain would cope with it on your behalf at that point because it’s coped with the demise of every single person that’s existed before.
“I wasn’t aware of pain. There was a sense of regret, yes.”
But Richard somehow survived and amazingly was told he had even got himself out of the vehicle.
Asked if he was lucid, he said: “Immediately after the crash, apparently yes, but I’ve no memory of it. Apparently, I was standing.
“I think I’d got myself out of the car because I didn’t break anything. Because I’m small I just bounce around.
“But the deceleration from 290 to zero very quickly, upside down, caused the brain to slosh forward. So it was a frontal lobe bleed.”
Doctors put Richard in an induced coma to manage his brain swelling.
I didn’t fear death in that moment and I haven’t feared the concept of death since. Obviously the nature of it, the manner of it . . . It’s terrifying, but the actual business of it? No, I’m not scared of that
Richard Hammond
Asked if the experience had added to his view of spirituality, he said: “It influenced it in the sense that that moment of extreme calm at what, as far as I was concerned, was with absolute certainty the end, I found tremendously comforting.
“I didn’t fear death in that moment and I haven’t feared the concept of death since.
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“Obviously the nature of it, the timing of it, the manner of it — we’re programmed, predisposed to continue.
“It’s a terrifying thought, but the actual business of it? No, I’m left not scared of that.”
Richard’s second dangerous crash occurred while filming Amazon series The Grand Tour in 2017.
While driving a Rimac Concept One car on a hill climb in Switzerland, he slid off the track at high speed.
The car smashed through a barrier and rolled several times — and shortly after he was pulled out by emergency services, the car burst into flames.
He recovered and was back driving two months later.
Richard, who has been married to newspaper columnist Amanda Etheridge for 22 years, has spent a lot of time considering his emotions and mental health since the first crash and recently started his own podcast about the topic, Who We Are Now, which he presents with his 24-year-old daughter Izzy.
He has previously said: “After my accident I spent a lot of time looking out of my hospital window, questioning my emotions, thoughts, life decisions, you name it.
“Ever since I’ve been on a pretty big journey of self discovery.”
After the crash at the former RAF Elvington air base, near York, he managed to return to Top Gear in early 2007, but he still believes some mental faculties may remain partly affected.
In an interview last year he said it “could mean that there is an increased risk” of a condition linked to memory loss.
He said: “I have to consciously write memories down and work hard to recall them sometimes.
“It might be because I’m working a lot and tired, it might be the onset of something else.”
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He said he was “forgetful”, and added: “So I do drop the ball”.
- The podcast Big Fish With Spencer Matthews is available on Global Player.
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