Ultimate guide to Soap neighbourhoods…where you’re most likely to be murdered to STAGGERING price of Albert Square house
WITH the amount of drama and deaths that happens on soaps, it’s a wonder places like Albert Square have any residents left.
Emmerdale, EastEnders, Hollyoaks and Coronation Street have been plagued with heartbreak and misery - and more than their fair share of serial killers - over the years.
But which soap locality would actually be the best to live on?
We’ve looked at life in Emmerdale, Albert Square, Chester and Weatherfield over the past year and discovered which is the most dangerous - and which soap’s police force actually does their job.
As well as house prices for the area, we’ve also discovered where you’re most likely to get cheated on if you move in with your spouse - and where the school's Ofsted report is bound to have improved now the demon headmaster has left the building.
We bring you The Sun’s guidebook to Soapland…
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Emmerdale
House prices: £2m
According to Zoopla, the average house price in the Yorkshire Dales is £294,900 but it’s likely a lot more than that to buy Home Farm - where Kim Tate has lived on and off since 1989.
The 17th century property has a whopping 11 bedrooms and acres of land, so there’s more than enough space for Kim, her husband Will Taylor, his daughter Dawn Fletcher, her husband Billy and their baby son Evan.
In fact, there’s a similar-looking, in Leyburn, North Yorkshire, for £1.95 million.
Local amenities: There isn’t much to do in the Dales, other than head down to the Cafe in the old Post Office or The Woolpack pub - and there’s always a danger of getting caught in an explosion there.
If you’d have been enjoying a pint there in 1993, it’s unlikely you’d have made it out alive when a plane crashed into it.
Of course, there’s also the local vets, where you can get your farm animals cared for.
Schools: Hotten Academy is where most Emmerdale resident kids attend.
Murder rate: 0
It turns out that Emmerdale is the best place to live if you don’t want to get killed.
The only 'murder' this year turned out to be fake - after Belle Dingle’s dog Piper was supposedly killed by Belle’s abusive boyfriend Tom King but was actually given away behind her back.
Tom also attacked Vinny Dingle and left him for dead, and came at Belle with a shotgun but he’s currently behind bars for coercive control, so you’d be safe from him if you moved to the Dales now.
Luckily resident serial killer Meena Jutla - who claimed the lives of three villagers - was locked up in April 2022.
Affairs rate: 3
There have been just three affairs in Emmerdale this year, including one between Caleb Milligan and Tracy Robinson which started last year, while she was married to Nate Robinson.
The affair ended in February when Caleb's estranged wife Ruby Fox-Milligan returned to the Dales.
More recently, Ruby also embarked on an affair with her brother-in-law Cain Dingle, while his wife Moira was in hospital with a brain tumour.
Will also faced the wrath of wife Kim Tate after sleeping with his ex, Rose, at Home Farm.
Police and hospital effectiveness: With Tom constantly getting released from prison, it seemed the local police in Emmerdale weren’t great.
But detective DS Foy has become a hero in recent weeks and finally brought him to justice.
The hospital, however, has played a huge role in the soap recently, with Caleb surviving a murder attempt after being pushed off a cliff, Nicky rallying after a near fatal car crash, Moira undergoing brain surgery and baby Evan battling Leukaemia.
Conclusion: If you’re looking to take a break from it all, the Dales may actually be quite nice. Maybe try and see if you can rent a room from Kim in Home Farm rather than buying the whole property though.
Hollyoaks
House prices: £425,000
Like with most soaps, Hollyoaks fans are always left scratching their heads at how so many people can cram into one property.
There must be at least six bedrooms in Nancy and Darren Osborne’s house, as they currently live there with Darren’s dad Jack Osbourne, as well as their children Oscar, Morgan, and Frankie.
Local amenities: The main place to hang out in Hollyoaks is The Dog in the Pond, the local gastropub run by Tony Hutchinson, who’s lived in the village since the dawn of time.
There’s also plenty more places to enjoy a drink, including The Loveboat and The Loft, as well as Spanish restaurant-come-bar Casa McQueen.
Schools: Hollyoaks High has had its fair share of drama over the years, including explosions, stabbings and students raping teachers.
We wouldn’t have recommended sending your kids there earlier this year as bigoted head teacher Carter Shepherd was secretly trying to perform conversion therapy on gay and trans students.
Things seemed to get better once Sally St. Claire was reinstated as head teacher. However, the character was abruptly axed after a recent time jump, which saw the soap skip a year, so it’s unclear what state the school is in these days.
Murder rate: 10
Unsurprisingly, Hollyoaks village is, by far, the most dangerous place to live - even if you don’t count the fact its crime rate was, technically, across two years, thanks to the show’s time jump.
Although some of the deaths were accidental, or in self-defence, there were 10 people killed by someone else in Hollyoaks - and that was without one of the show’s famous serial killers on the loose.
In one episode alone, James Nightingale was killed in a car explosion - which Ste Hay somehow survived - after getting into Donny Clark’s car which Dave Williams had attached a bomb under; Suzanne Ashworth was mowed down by Cleo McQueen’s motorbike smashing into the Park Cafe, speeding away from her abusive boyfriend Abe Fielding and Robbie Roscoe shot Dave.
Also before the time jump, Dave’s daughter Lizzie Chen-Williams and Hunter McQueen were killed by drugs Warren Fox had sold to them, and Warren’s mum Norma Crow was then killed by Dave in revenge.
In another explosive episode, terminally ill Rafe Harcourt was handcuffed to a radiator in his cellar by his wife Dilly Harcourt, and then left there to die, while Ste accidentally killed Ella Richardson in a hit-and-run.
Evil Declan Hawthorne was also killed - in self-defence - by Beau Ramsey, who was saving Kitty Draper from being held hostage by her dad.
And since the soap jumped forward a year in September and moved to streaming only, the killings haven’t stopped.
In the first week back, Ethan Williams was pushed off a balcony on his wedding day to Sienna Blake.
While the villagers still don’t know who did it, viewers have seen Jeremy Blake telling his mum Martha Blake - who has dementia - that she’s the killer, although it’s very likely it actually might have been him…
Affairs rate: 7
While seven affairs in a year seems ludicrous, it feels more acceptable when you consider Hollyoaks had a time-jump, meaning it averaged 3.5 a year.
But the oddest part is that teenager Vicky Grant has had two of the affairs - with much older men - and accidentally got pregnant both times.
Vicky, 19, first slept with Ethan behind his then-fiance Sienna’s back, gatecrashing their wedding day to reveal the affair before the groom died.
She then got together with Robbie Roscoe, 29, but has slept with his married brother Freddie Roscoe, 38, behind Robbie and Freddie’s wife Grace’s backs.
Mercedes also had a nightmare when she embarked on an affair with Warren behind Felix Westwood’s back, leading to her having twins, with one the child of each man - a phenomenon called Heteropaternal superfecundation.
Carter and John-Paul McQueen have also had a fling behind Maxine Minniver’s back and Ste and Rex got it on in the toilet, unbeknownst to Ste’s husband James.
After the time jump, it was also revealed that Ste’s daughter Leah had slept with her brother Lucas’ boyfriend Dillon while he was in prison - leading to her having his baby.
Then there’s the love triangle of Abe, Cleo and Peri Lomax.
Abe is set to marry none-the-wiser Peri this week, but he’s got Cleo locked in a basement in his house, having made her believe she killed his mum Marie and that he wants to be with her.
Police and hospitals effectiveness: Despite the fact Misbah Maalik and Peri seem to be the only doctor and nurse ever working in the hospital, it really does perform miracles - Ste even managed to survive a car explosion.
The police, on the other hand, have let many serial killers slip through their fingers over the years and it always seems to be the villagers who work out who the culprits are rather than them.
Conclusion: If you value your own life or your relationship, don’t move to Hollyoaks!
EastEnders
House prices: £1.15m
There was a time when 16 people were living under the Slaters’ roof, leaving many to wonder just how so many people fit into a small, terraced house.
Even now, there are nine residents at 31 Albert Square - Stacey Slater, her mum Jean Slater, Jean’s partner Harvey Monroe, Stacey’s children Arthur, Hope and Lily, Lily’s daughter Charli, and Stacey’s adoptive grandmother and cousin, Mo Harris and Freddie Slater.
Local amenities: If you’re a fan of a big night out, Albert Square is a great place for you - so much so that locals don’t even leave the area to go clubbing.
There’s the Queen Vic pub, where the landlady Elaine Knight often gratefully announces “Drinks are on the ‘ouse,” as well as the gay bar, The Prince Albert and upmarket nightclub, Peggy’s - although they did recently have a disastrous night where overcrowding led to revellers getting trampled.
The food choices are also excellent, as you can get fried chicken from McKlunky’s, an Indian from Walford East, or head to Beale’s Eels if you fancy some traditional East End delicacies.
If that’s not all, there’s also a laundrette doubling up as a cab company at Kat’s Kabs!
Schools: There’s one school in Walford called Walford High - but the kids rarely attend classes, often bunking off to play on the swings. When they do go, however, they’ll be greeted by giant 27-year-old bullies.
Local amenities: Weatherfield residents can expect to have everything they need on their doorstep - including a Costa, Co-Op and a pub, the Rovers Return, that sells Heineken beer on draught (although killjoy locals only ever seem to order the alcohol-free version).
As well as the pub, there are also a couple of restaurants to choose from if you’re looking to eat including Speed Daal, which serves Indian cuisine, and The Bistro if you fancy something a bit posher.
Schools: The local primary school Bessie Street never has any complaints, but there’s been a recent bullying problem at Weatherfield High.
One young boy, Liam Connor, was left suicidal after Mason Radcliffe ganged up on him and threatened him with a knife.
The nearby private school, which Joseph Brown’s grandmother pays for him to attend, seems much better. He even gets to go on ski trips.
Murder rate: 1
Joel Deering attempted murder a few times over the past year on the cobbles - but he’s actually the only person who ended up dead.
He tried to kill Lauren Bolton and then their unborn baby, before Lauren whacked him over the head with a rock, saving Max Turner, who Joel was trying to strangle to death.
Corrie might be a safer place with Joel gone - but there’s sure to be a new villain soon.
Affairs rate: 3
Steve McDonald has been married seven times to five different women, but it seemed like he’d finally found The One when he remarried Tracy Barlow - the mother of his daughter Amy - in 2018.
However, earlier this year, she jumped into bed with Steve’s footballer hero Tommy Orpington - who happened to be painting their house - and dumped Steve, moving to Spain with her lover.
Another steamy affair on the cobbles has been Nick Platt and Toyah Battersby - who were pushed together when Nick’s fiance and Toyah’s sister Leanne Battersby got sucked into a cult.
The most recent infidelity has been from Shona Platt - who got it on with Kit Green after her husband David Platt stopped her from seeing her son Clayton in prison and then lied about it.
Police and hospitals effectiveness: The police force in Weatherfield have had their fair share of problems catching culprits this year, no thanks to lawyer Joel actually being the person who left Lauren for dead and bent copper Kit getting rid of evidence in the investigation into Joel’s killer.
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Like many of the other soaplands, Weatherfield General is an excellent hospital - where people get attacked and then wake up right as rain the following day.
Conclusion: In comparison to the rest of the soaps, Weatherfield seems like a lovely - and cheap - place to settle down!