Denise Welch prayed for plane she was travelling on with son Matt Healy to crash amid battle with depression
DENISE Welch was so desperate for her life to end at the height of her depression that she prayed for the plane she was travelling on with son Matt Healy to crash.
The Loose Women star, 62, said The 1975 frontman Matt was just one-year-old during the episode, which occurred on a flight to Australia to visit then-husband Tim Healy, 69, on the set of a BBC TV series.
Hollyoaks actress Denise told Laura Dockrill, 34, on her Zombiemum podcast: "I had made the decision because he was missing his child so much that I would fly to Australia.
"The night before I went, this massive depression came on. I cannot tell you what it was like to go the airport and get on that plane with this depression.
"When I was in the air - I told Matthew this years later when he was a grown up, I would never have put this on any child - I wished that the plane would go down in my mind.
"I wished that it would, because then I wouldn't have made the decision. And people might go, 'There was other people on the plane, how selfish' - of course.
"It was the point that I wanted something out of my control and I thought, 'Why doesn't it just go down and then I will be out of this pain'. Now I can't believe I had those thoughts."
Denise experienced her first episode of depression following the birth of Matt in 1989 and used to wish she could go back to life before she became a mother.
She said: "I just remember thinking, 'Who is this baby?' Looking at the baby thinking, 'Why have I got this baby?' And within an hour I was in a black suicidal depression and that was the start of my journey.
"I was almost incapable of getting off the settee. I lost two stone in three weeks and my mum had to sit there trying to make me have food replacements.
"I literally used to wait until my medication like I was in a hospital like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
"The sad thing about life then was it was like a reverse nightmare. I would go to bed, have a dream of my life before a baby and wake up in the nightmare.
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EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society - from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others... You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
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- Samaritans, , 116 123
"I never wanted to harm my child but I just wanted everything to go away."
Denise said she considered suicide "a safety valve" at the time, adding: "Had I not had the family I had, without a doubt, either through purpose or accident, I would probably not be here now."
Despite feeling "incredibly lucky" for the support of her loved ones, she recalled becoming jealous of Matt as a baby after her late mother Ann, who died of cancer in 2012, doted on him.
She said: "She'd been blindsided by this immediate love for this child.
"I was 31 and I do remember saying to her, 'You do love me more than Matty, don't you?' and her saying, 'Of course I do'. I mean, God, what is that about?"
Celebrity Big Brother winner Denise, who is also mum to son Louis, 20, has continued to fight depression and advocate for mental health awareness ever since.
It was during a breakdown in 2005, which forced her to pull out of a pantomime in Stockport, that she realised her illness would never be taken seriously - even though she was having some of her darkest thoughts at the time.
She said: "I was driving to work [on the panto] in the morning and I wanted my car to crash.
"I know I didn't want to die, but I wanted the pain to be taken away. I wanted the car to crash and someone to take me to hospital and give me tablets so that everything would go away and everyone would understand how poorly I was.
"The most hurtful thing ever said about me was in the local paper. 'Denise Welch walked out of the pantomime today disappointing thousands of young children.'
"'But' - and I will make a fictitious name - 'Suzie Snodgrass playing Snow White went on despite a broken wrist and kept the audience happy'. That just summed up to me the lack of understanding."
Denise, who penned bestselling book The Unwelcome Visitor about her struggles, hasn't suffered a severe depressive episode since September 2019 and has been sober for over eight years.
She said: "What I have come to terms with is I have zero guilt now about what happened to me, but what I do have guilt and shame about is how I chose to deal with that with alcohol and drugs.
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"I wish I had listened to people more. I wish I'd given up earlier. And I wish I could redo some of Matty's childhood.
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"At least nowadays when I get an episode I don't blame myself. When I was drinking, I would always blame myself that that's what's brought it on. Now I know giving up alcohol doesn't cure depression but it damn near stops compounding it."
The Sun revealed last weekend that Denise - who split with Benidorm star Tim in 2012 after 24 years of marriage - and her second husband Lincoln Townley, 48, were left terrified after an alleged stalker armed with a knife turned up at their home.