KNOCK KNOCK
Peter Kay is returning to stage for two charity gigs – here are some of his best gags
COMEDY superstar Peter Kay is returning to the stage for two charity specials after several years out of the limelight.
We told how the 48-year-old funnyman will play two Manchester gigs next month to help pay for urgent cancer treatment for Lancs student Laura Nuttall, 21.
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News of the shows sent his fans wild – and demand will be sky-high when tickets go on sale tomorrow.
In the meantime, here are some of his best gags.
WHY does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use-by date?
A SANDWICH walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
SO this bloke says to me: “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought: “That’s all I need, a Je-Hoover’s Witness.”
MY dad used to say: “Always fight fire with fire.” Which is probably why he got thrown out of the Fire Brigade.
I SAW this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”
SO a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought: “That’s a turtle disaster.”
Sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand
Peter Kay
WHO was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out”?
THERE was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A CEMENT mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
“KNOCK knock.” “Who’s there?” “Biggish.” “Biggish who?” “Not today, thanks!”
I SAW a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said: “Thyroid problem?”
IF quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A mate’s been sacked from dodgems. He’s doing them for funfair dismissal...
Peter Kay
WHY do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
I THINK animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I WAS doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
A JUMP lead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you . . . but don’t start anything.”
I MET a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I phoned her up to arrange a date — but unfortunately, she’d popped her clogs.
I WENT to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
THE other day I entered a competition and won a year’s supply of Marmite. One jar.
So I went down the supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions’
Peter Kay
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