As 3D spectacular Ben-Hur hits screens, here are our top tips for creating your own swords-and-sandals epic
WE present our 11 commandments for creating the perfect Ancient Greek/Roman/Biblical spectacular
THIS month the 3D re-imagining of Ben-Hur hits cinemas. But like Spartacus, Gladiator and 300, it needs these ingredients to make it a classic...
I. Get a whopping great budget
There’s no point in making an epic unless the sheer scale of it is made clear to the viewer in every frame. The original 1959 Ben-Hur, starring Charlton Heston, had the largest budget – £11.5million – of any film before it. Spartacus and The Ten Commandments had a cast of thousands, Ridley Scott burned down a whole forest for the opening scene of Gladiator… you get the idea.
II. Pick the right leading man
The important thing here is not to cast who’s hot at the box office right now, so much as who’s going to look the best with a frown on his face. Because no swords-and-sandals epic works without a lot of frowning. Charlton Heston could frown. Kirk Douglas could frown. Russell Crowe, Gerard Butler, Richard Burton – fantastic furrowed brows all of them. Even Sam Worthington in the 2010 remake of Clash of The Titans had a good stab at it. Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom in Troy? Not so much.
III. Set your hero up with an impossible mission
Whether you’re plundering Roman history (Spartacus, Gladiator, Ben-Hur, Quo Vadis), Greek mythology (Clash of The Titans, Jason And The Argonauts, Ulysses, 300, Troy), or Biblical tales (The Ten Commandments, Exodus: Gods And Kings), the important thing is the overwhelming difficulty of the task. Retrieve the Golden Fleece? Hold back the Persian Empire with just 300 men? Sack the world’s greatest city with nowt but a wooden horse? The viewer should have a good idea of what’s going to happen in the end before it even begins.
IV. Include lots of cleavage
As much as you can. Highly visible and constantly heaving, preferably. Some of it on women, too, assuming there actually are any in your film.
V. Also, oily thighs
Again, women optional, but you can’t have a swords-and-sandals epic without plenty of greasy, muscly thighs. Everyone from Stanley Kubrick to Ridley Scott understood this.
VI. Make sure there are a lot of really confusing names
For the purposes of historical authenticity, characters’ names should be as obscure as possible unless they’re already familiar to us (Achilles, Cleopatra, Moses, er, Jason). The likes of Judah Ben-Hur, Maximus Decimus Meridius and all manner of Leonidases and Marcus Viniciuses make it impossible for the viewer to understand who anyone is talking about so they have to concentrate on the action instead.
VII. Chuck in a deity or two
Remember, these guys’ lives were ruled by the gods – either malevolent (Clash of The Titans, Ulysses), capricious (Jason And The Argonauts, Troy), really properly dark (300) or else completely holy as in The Ten Commandments. You get bonus points for including
them as characters in their own right. In the Ben-Hur remake, starring Jack Huston and Morgan Freeman, scriptwriters have even upgraded Jesus’ part to give Him more screen time.
VIII. Get some chariots
Even if you just use them in the background of a battle scene.
IX. Don’t be afraid of serious homoerotic subtext
Think about your audience. Who do you reckon will be most interested in two hours of semi-naked men waving their weapons? Exactly. See the bath scene in Spartacus for inspo.
X. Kill your hero
A controversial ingredient for box office success (meaning of course any sequels become tricky), but a tragic, noble, grisly end is pretty much required. Every Achilles has his heel, every Anthony his Cleopatra, every Spartacus his entire slave army crucified alongside him. Maximus and Leonidas were basically doomed from the start, but it’s the fact that we know this and yet think they might somehow pull it off anyway that makes their deaths all the more affecting.
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XI. Finally, hope for the best
When swords-and-sandals epics really work, they smash box-office records and make
superstars of their casts. But when they don’t… well, let’s just say there are no plans
for Troy 2 any time soon.