‘You’ve come a long way since your teeth would arrive in the room ahead of you’ – five celebs’ offer hilarious advice to their younger selves
From career tips to guidance on their relationships, Ulrika Jonsson and other stars write amusing letters for their teenage selves
IF you could write a letter to your 18-year-old self, what would you say?
Give shrewd career advice, relationship tips, or tell yourself to stop taking life so seriously?
Last week Victoria Beckham penned an emotional note in Vogue magazine, telling her insecure teenage self: “Love at first sight does exist, and it will happen to you in the Manchester United players’ lounge.”
Here, GRANT ROLLINGS asked five celebrities to tell us what they would say . . .
Ulrika Jonsson
Dear Me,
MY, you’ve come a long way since your horrendously goofy teeth would arrive in the room two minutes before the rest of you did. Those vile, painful braces were worth it.
Boys are causing you no end of angst. It’s clear you’re not used to or especially comfortable in a romantic situation.
This will change but your lack of confidence and self-belief is holding you back and will continue to do so.
On the plus side, you show tremendous determination. I like your ability to think that anything is possible even though you might stumble and graze your knees as you make your way.
Oh, and by the way, know that being a woman should never be an apology, but a great source of pride.
It is going to take you a long time to realise that whatever anxiety or problem you have, it’s unlikely that you are alone.
When that realisation dawns it will be your greatest emancipation.
I also want you to know you will one day learn to live with your depression and understand it is not just an occasional blip but part of who you are.
You will be told, by someone who is older and “wiser”, to NEVER marry someone you fancy the pants off. Better to marry a good friend, you’re told.
This is not true but your sexual revolution will not happen until you’re about 27. I reckon you’ll make up for lost time, though.
Your maternal feelings are innate and have been a major preoccupation since you were ten.
It will happen and there will be more children than you could hope for. Your desire to mate with men you fall in love with will be unstoppable.
But never be made to feel bad about it, you will take full responsibility for your actions.
You’ll waste a lot of time trying to be a people-pleaser.
Instead, take a moment to love yourself for who you are – despite the fact there is no cure for your horrendously bowed legs.
Ulrika
Alex James
Dear Steve,
YOUR wife Claire and I have some bad news for you.
Your A-levels are shaping up for an #epicfail. We’re talking totes disastballs.
This will be the very first, relatively minor, catastrophe in a telephone directory-sized catalogue of spectacular disasters.
But the good news is, you do not have to worry. Just keep banging away and you will get to the right place, even if you don’t know where that is yet.
I only have one other important thing to tell you.
Cherish your parents’ love and don’t hide anything from them.
You will be rich and you will be poor and that will teach you that your family’s love is the most valuable thing you will ever have.
Other than that, it’s simple. Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt and work like you don’t need the money.
Oh, and make sure you’ve got a decent pair of shoes and a decent bed – because if you’re not in one you’ll be in the other.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t change a thing. Except maybe your name. Alex is a better name than Steve #justsayin.
Anyway, assuming you’re reading this after school you probably have some homework to do.
And you probably want to play your guitar or make yourself a cheese sandwich instead, so don’t let me stop you.
You just crack on and try to make the best cheese sandwich anyone’s ever seen.
Like you did yesterday but better. Right now, feel me?
Alex
PS: South America!
PPS: Beethoven!! No, really.
Toby Young
Dear Toby,
WHY are you in such a funk all the time, you big banana? You don’t know how lucky you are.
Let’s start with the hair. In a couple of years it’s going to start falling out, so make the most of it.
Spike it up. Dye it green. Grow a man bun. Anything would be better than that poncey, New Romantic side parting.
I know you’re working hard in the hope of getting in to a good university, having failed all your O-levels first time round.
But I’ve got some bad news, you don’t do very well in your A-levels either.
The good news is, in a year’s time Oxford University will send you an acceptance letter by mistake. So take your nose out of those books and start painting the town red!
And will you stop worrying about not having found a nice girl yet?
You’ve already met the woman you’ll spend the rest of your life with, you just haven’t realised it.
When she’s 23 and you’re 34, all will become clear.
In the meantime, start paying a bit more attention to all those nasty girls. Believe me, by the time you’re 52 they’ll have completely lost interest in you.
As for that morbid obsession you’ve got with nuclear war, forget about it. Russia is going to lose and the whole Communist edifice is going to come crumbling down.
Yes, that’s right, the Cold War is going to be won by the good guys.
So for God’s sake snap out of it. This really is the best time of your life. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Toby
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Esther Rantzen
Dear Esther,
DON’T you realise how lucky you are? You have parents who love you, spend time with you and have given you the confidence to believe that anything is possible.
Your sister Priscilla is your closest friend and will be for the rest of your life.
So why are you so unsure, anxious about the future?
Why do you hate the way you look and worry that you will never find a husband and have children of your own?
While other 18-year-olds are blooming rosebuds, you think you are a blooming elephant.
Even when you get to Oxford University you are so conscious of your weight that when you fall in love, you never tell him, and he tragically died in his twenties.
Cheer up. When you leave university you will find the job of your dreams as a researcher in television, working so hard that the weight drops off and never returns.
And just when you have given up hope of ever finding Mr Right, you meet Desmond Wilcox and have the family you dreamed of.
So remember how lucky you are. You have what every child needs most, the love of your family.
When you launch Childline in 30 years’ time, you will remember that, and fight for every child to have the same security, protection and love.
Esther
Andy McNab
Mate,
I KNOW you feel angry at the moment.
You have since you were a kid, feeling life was unfair, that everyone had stuff you didn’t.
And now you are in the Army, feeling ordered about and because you can’t really read or write properly, you must be thick.
You nicked stuff and destroyed expensive cars because you didn’t understand why they should have the good things when you couldn’t. But you can get what you want, you just need to learn how.
What I’m about to tell you isn’t brain surgery.
The only way you are going to turn your life around is by working out what you want to do in life, then learning how to be the best at whatever that is.
That’s because out there, in the real world, you have to compete. The only way to compete is by getting an education.
Regardless of what you’ve always thought, you aren’t thick, you are just uneducated. You can change that.
Education will give you knowledge and knowledge gives you the power to do what you want with your life, rather than have others with more power telling you what to do.
You don’t need to feel like life is unfair and that you’re a victim. You aren’t.
You have got people falling over themselves to give you opportunities. You just need to make sure you make the most of them and take control of your life.
So good luck and get on with it.
Andy