Peter Kay’s best jokes which had us crying with laughter as he celebrates 50th birthday

PETER KAY turns 50 tomorrow and we’ve got some of his best wisecracks to mark the milestone.

The Bolton-born comedian has been making us cry with laughter since shooting to fame on That Peter Kay Thing in 1999, going on to set records for his arena tours and getting the nation to sing along with the charity release of Is This The Way To Amarillo.

 Alex Lloyd shares top gags and one-liners he has told over the years.

A FRIEND of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said: “Shh!”.

A MAN went to the doctor with a steering wheel down his underpants. Doctor said: “What happened?”. The man said: “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts.”

I RANG a takeaway last night. I said: “Do you deliver?”. They said: “No, we do lamb, chicken and fish.”

KNOCK knock. Who’s there? Biggish. Biggish who? No, not today, thanks.

I’M in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

WHAT’S black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

I MET a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

HOW does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi’ jam in.

I SAW a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said: “Thyroid problem?”

YOU never know where to look when eating a banana.

IF quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

WHY is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, “My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic”?

TWO eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

A SANDWICH walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

MY dad used to say: “Always fight fire with fire.” Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

HE said: “You remind me of a pepper pot.” I said: “I’ll take that as a condiment.”

WHY does mineral water that has flown through mountains for centuries have a use-by date?

TWO fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”

I WENT down to the local supermarket. I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it.” He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

“SO a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. I thought, “That’s a turtle disaster.”

A LITTLE boy says to his grandfather: “Can you make a noise like a frog?” He says: “Why?” He replies: “Because my dad says when you croak, we’re going to Florida.”

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE went into a pub. The landlord said: “Get out, you’re bard”.

SO I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

THIS bloke says to me: “Can I come to your house and look at your carpets?” I thought, “That’s all I need. A je-hoover’s witness.”

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.