Martine McCutcheon had suicidal thoughts and felt ‘worthless’ due to chronic depression when she had ME
MARTINE McCutcheon has revealed she had suicidal thoughts through her periods of chronic depression and ME.
The former EastEnders actress, 41, who experienced major career highs thanks to Love Actually and a leading role in My Fair Lady, became an "invalid" who "couldn't move out of bed for days" four years ago.
Martine says the ME (myalgic encephalopathy) she contracted after going bankrupt in 2013 was so bad that she told herself it would be better if she didn't wake up in the morning, and begged her husband to leave her.
The Perfect Moment singer explained: "Every muscle in my body ached, I felt like I had a permanent hangover, and then I started not being able to move my legs, which was terrifying... I do believe I literally crippled myself with stress.
"I woke up in bed one day not knowing what time it was, feeling boiling hot and not being able to get up to open a window. I remember saying to myself: 'It will be better if you don't wake up.'
"I would tell Jack to leave me, to find someone else. He had to wash my hair, put me in the shower, feed me.
"I went from girl who recording I was given a wheelchair by a doctor but I refused to get in it because I knew if I did I would never get out, so it was kept in the corner of the room like a warning...
"No one could work out what was wrong with me. I was spending thousands of pounds on doctors and specialists and no one could give me a proper answer."
Years before, Martine's West End role as Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady was ruined by illness after she contracted glandular fever, which meant she missed many performances.
Poor Martine says she's "aware" people have accused her of making up her various symptoms, particularly seeing as she also recently contracted Lyme Disease.
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But Martine says her childhood, and the trauma of having an abusive father who she had to testify against in court aged nine, has always plagued her, even during her more successful periods, and possibly triggered her ME.
She added: "The real problem was my life was either full of these incredible highs, living this life with all these famous people and wonderful experiences, and then dealing with all the emotional stuff I had from my upbringing with my dad, who wasn't a proper dad and had just abandoned me.
"I was that clichéd kid who wanted to prove that I was worth something - was something - because I felt so worthless inside."
Despite her real life being a "crock of s***" due to her troubles, Martine is now on the comeback trail as she's releasing a new album this summer.
Lost And Found, which was produced by Martine's musician hubby Jack, is out on August 11 and she's even going on tour from November 8.
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