The Apprentice final will be a clash of the titans as Camilla and Sian battle for Alan Sugar’s cash- plus 11 things we’ve learnt from this week’s show
Lord Sugar’s four horsemen of the apocalypse rode into London's Cheesegrater building to grill the remaining five candidates in The Apprentice’s glorious interviews task
LORD Sugar’s four horsemen of the apocalypse rode into London's Cheesegrater building to grill the remaining five candidates in The Apprentice’s glorious interviews task.
By the end, only Camilla and Sian were left standing for Sunday’s final showdown, leaving us with the age-old battle between nut milk and swimwear, a clash not even the Romans and marauding barbarians could settle, 1,500 years ago.
Every other candidate lay in tatters, alongside their shredded business plans, with all hopes dashed for a £250,000 investment from the boss. Here are 11 things we learned from tonight’s show.
Don’t mess with these guys
We’ve witnessed Sugar’s same trusted quartet of advisers before, of course.
But Claude Littner (more on him in a moment), Mike Soutar, Claudine Collins and Linda Plant have re-established a much-needed edge and savagery to the interviews round that had been lost after the BBC, in its wisdom, decided to start booking former Apprentice winners for the gig.
They could make an entire series of this one task, just from the show’s thousands of rejected applicants, and it’ll be the best thing you’ll see all year.
Cut-throat Claude is back. Yes!
It has become bone-crushingly clear that Claude Littner, as Alan Sugar’s right-hand henchman, is no Nick Hewer.
But as we all know, before he stepped into the shoes of the current Countdown host, Claude was THE original fearsome interrogator on The Apprentice’s interviews. He made this stage “event TV”.
So it was terrific to see him back to his brutal best and where he belongs, behind that desk on the 43rd floor of the Leadenhall Building.
One minute he was branding Sian “vacant” and scolding Khadija for her unrealistic cleaning business plan: “Oh, no, no, Khadija.” “But…” “Khadjia, no!” “But…” “NO!”
The next he was giving Camilla’s “Yoo-hoo!” greeting the disdain it deserved and refusing to shake Daniel’s hand before welcoming him to the hot seat by asking: “So, Daniel, the final five. Are you a bit surprised you made it?”
Daniel: “Absolutely not.”
Claude: “Pfft, I am.”
Never leave us again, Claude.
Camilla is a “sex maniac”
But she wants to shed that label, apparently.
So much so that the brains behind Week 10’s Santa’s Choco Seduction, with the X-rated cartoon character with the heaving bosoms, went full-on hardcore pornography in her marketing material for her “nut milk”, all over the face of that open-mouthed, lip-licking model in the photo.
Camilla had already set the tone for her all-new, saintly business profile, though, when she accidentally splattered herself with her ingredients while squeezing them through a piping bag in the kitchen.
“That must be good luck, being covered in nut juice before the biggest interview of your life.”
Said Amanda Holden, on the eve of landing the Britain’s Got Talent judging gig. Possibly.
Sabrina was dumped first
Just don’t let her explain why. You’ll be there until Christmas.
Wisely, Alan Sugar told her simply: “You’re very bouncy, you’re bubbly and you’re definitely going to go somewhere.”
It’s called “the door”. Out you go. You’re fired.
Australia is in Asia. Unless it isn’t
Linda Plant had Daniel over the ropes for claiming he’s a “global business who’s launched in three continents”.
One of the continents being “England”.
The second? Asia, the United Arab Emirates to be precise.
And the third? Take it away, Daniel: “Asia. Erm... is Australia in Asia?”
Daniel’s blatant blagging cost him a place in the final
The bloke has a good business brain. None other than Claude Littner told him so.
But ultimately, Lord Sugar could stomach neither Daniel’s “endorsement of drinking” soluble hangover cure, nor his obvious deceit, which unravelled on an industrial scale, right from his interrogation by merciless Mike Soutar.
First, he confronted Daniel with the fact that the claim on his Amazon page of “one million units sold globally” was in fact slightly less (47,000).
A gross exaggeration that was possibly, maybe, probably, 90 per cent likely… “okay, yeah, 100 per cent likely” to have been written by him.
Then Mike got him to admit that, if he could, he would name his product the “Hangover Killer” in the UK, as he does abroad, if it wasn’t for the mildly inconvenient matter that you can’t con consumers in this country with misleading claims.
The fatal, fate-sealing blow, though, came from Claude who went all medieval with his home truths to Daniel: “This is my problem with you. As well as you’ve done on the tasks, I don’t know how responsible you are.
“And I’m worried Lord Sugar will not want to invest in somebody who’s just so bloody untrustworthy.
(Awkward silence…)
“Anyway, onward and upward…”
Peterborough is there to be “conquered”
Who knew? Khadija alone, by the looks. And not even she, with her mighty cleaning business empire, has quite managed it yet.
Today, Peterborough. Tomorrow? At a push? Kettering.
Khadija doesn’t need a hearing test
“I talk loud. It’s one of the things I need to work on. I think maybe I’ll get my ears tested,” she said in the boardroom, with a face like a sewer, trying to bat away the 437th accusation this series that she’s aggressive.
Yeah, that’ll be why she shouts at everyone, including Linda Plant, who gave as good as she got.
So, for the avoidance of any doubt, Khadija, listen very carefully. Come closer. Closer…
YOU CAUSE MORE FRICTION THAN A PAIR OF FIREFLIES. ON DATE NIGHT.
The big new summer 2019 trend in swimwear will be drowning
Mike Soutar asked Sian of her swimsuit business: “What would be the trends for next summer?”
Sian: “Next summer we’re looking at tassels. Tassels are going to be massive.”
Mike: “Okay, big tassels. What else?”
Sian: “Big sleeves.”
Mike: “Big sleeves? On swimwear?! You’d drown!”
Mysteriously, shares in armbands have skyrocketed since recording.
There’s no need for X Factor levels of sobbing
Sian, in the car on the way to the interviews: “I just hope everyone holds it together.”
Khadija: “Yeah, I’m just not going to cry.”
Sian: “I’m not crying at all.”
She did. And so did she. And Daniel did too. All when asked “what it would mean” to them to win for their kids/father/the city of Leeds.
It was like watching a funeral during the onion harvest, and it’s the last thing The Apprentice’s interviews round needs, as summed up to perfection by Linda Plant to a sobbing Sian: “Crying is not required here.”
And then there were two…
So, to the final on Sunday, and the tale of the tape.
In the red corner, we have Camilla who can’t account for a missing £20,000 in her own business plan, runs a tiny “cottage industry” and wants to employ her own relatives at her dad’s premises.
The nut milk answer to Donald and Ivanka Trump.
She also “hasn’t got a cat in hell’s chance” of getting her product onto the shelves of a supermarket.
And that was from the man himself, Lord Sugar, just before admitting he’d need a psychiatrist if he invests in her business.
In the blue corner, we have “vacant” Sian who reckons her target market, university students, have £50 lying around to spend on a bikini.
In Sugar’s words, she’ll “p*** the £250,000 up the wall” on securing a celebrity endorsement from a Love Island contestant.
But if she does win and the pair of them do the sensible thing of striking while the iron’s hot?
You’ve got a brand new range of swimwear, launched in the middle of winter.
Onward and upward…
