Twelve things we learnt about The Apprentice Final including Kurran stealing victor Sian’s thunder

After 12 backstabbing weeks of The Apprentice, it’s congratulations, and commiserations, to Sian Gabbidon.
Congratulations, because her swimwear range now has the coveted £250,000 investment from Lord Sugar, who couldn’t have seriously gone the other way, for Camilla’s nut milk.

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Commiserations, because Sian now has to work with the cantankerous old curmudgeon.
Here are 12 things we learned from tonight’s final.

A battle for the ages

And so the final came down to Lancashire’s Camilla “Yoo-hoo!” Ainsworth and Yorkshire’s Sian “Did I mention I’m from Leeds?” Gabbidon, from Leeds.
A War of the Roses, with Kurran the thorn in between.
Speaking of which…

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Kurran was back!

Okay, so there were seven other candidates who’d fallen by the wayside throughout The Process, back to “help” either Sian or Camilla launch their business, once they’d all got down safely from that force-nine, rooftop gale.
But we were here for one man, and one man alone, actor Kurran, this year’s breakout star and MVP — Most Valuable Pillock — who’d “made it back safely from Hollywood”.
And he didn’t disappoint, with a show-stealing performance that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that his firing by Lord Sugar, far from knocking some sense into him, hasn’t made the slightest dent in his bullet-proof self-delusion. Thank goodness.

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Everyone, apart from Sian and Camilla, was demob happy

There was an end-of-term feeling to this year’s final, with the returning candidates seemingly hellbent either on sabotage (Sabrina suggesting Sian trade as “Bikini Bitch”) or simply having a right old laugh.
Not least as they brainstormed brand names for Camilla’s nut milk.
Daniel: “I have a suggestion. Love Nuts!”
Tom: “Because it’s grab-and-go, why not have ‘grab’ in the name?”
Daniel: “Grab My Nuts?”
Thanks, I’ll pass.

"Male cows have teats"

Who’s gonna be the one to tell Jackie that’s not “milk” she’s getting from a male cow?

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What happens in female fitting rooms, stay in female fitting rooms

Kurran was getting quite the audio running commentary as he loitered around, like Father Ted’s group of priests lost in the lingerie department, after Sabrina and Jasmine closed the curtain behind them to try on bikinis.
“Can you undo me, please?” “Oh my God!” “Oh, it is very revealing.”
“I’m very exposed. I think this one is way too skimpy, Sabrina, but you look really good in that one.”
“Put a towel around me.” “Sabrina’s looking pretty hot in the pink.”
So, Kurran. About that wrist injury you suffered in the house. “Arm-wrestling”, you say?

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SYO? FFS

Sian eventually plumped for SYO as her swimwear brand, standing for Style Your Own.
Which really hits the mark, if you’re a six-year-old in a Build-A-Bear Workshop.
It’s okay, though, because she included the “Hand of Fatima” in her logo, so that everybody knows it means “female empowerment”.
Or some such b******s.

Sian's instructions could not have been clearer

“Keep it simple,” she told her advertising sub-team. “Less is more, and what I would say about the model is wet her hair.”
Got that, Jasmine? Good.
So, that’s keep it complicated, more is more, and whatever you do, don’t wet the model’s hair.

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Kurran taught Steven Spielberg everything he knows

Sometimes you just have to accept you’re in the presence of greatness.
There was Captain Kurran, filming his “masterpiece”, a TV ad on a yacht that turned out to be — and I don’t say this lightly — not atrocious.
And like any humble recipient of the Academy Award for Best Picture, he didn’t forget to thank his peers.
“If you go and ask any of the great directors — Quentin Tarantino, Martin Scorsese — they will tell you ‘forget what everybody says, if you’ve got a vision, go and implement it’. And that’s what I did.”
Coming soon to a cinema near you, Three Brain Cells Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

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Camilla received high praise indeed for her packaging design

Okay, the market research may have concluded that Mlk It’s container, with the big orange splat, was “a bit too cowy” and misleading for a non-dairy drink.
But Camilla needn’t have worried, because there’s really only one opinion that matters, and that’s Lord Sugar’s in the boardroom.
“Just tell me about this cowpat here…”

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Sugar left the door open to the fired candidates

“Good luck in all of your own ventures,” he told them. “Feel free to contact me.”
Or, to paraphrase: “My Twitter handle is @Lord_Sugar, and I’ve found the mute and block functions.”

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Claude delivered the line of the series

Daniel, exposed in the previous episode for serial blagging, tried it on one last time for good measure, playfully demanding 33 per cent of Camilla’s business, jointly with her and Lord Sugar.
So when he praised her nut milk for real in the boardroom as an “endless opportunity in a booming industry”, only Claude Littner had the wit to slap him down and get the biggest laugh.
“You can’t believe what Daniel says. He’s a shareholder.”
The man needs his own TV show.

Lord Sugar and Kurran...watch this space

Bidding farewell to the actor and looking to the future, Sugar said: “I would like to come to your premiere in Leicester Square… battle through the crowds… and could I have a front-row seat?”
Certainly, Lord Sugar. There’s a table by the window, if you’d like to follow me. Could I get you anything from the Angus Steakhouse menu or do you need a few more minutes?

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